AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

I posted this earlier in the family & relationships section; I would just like to get a more scientific opinion on the matter..

This will probably end up long, so don’t read if you don’t want to.

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27. He’s *usually* a charming, intelligent, and sweet guy as well as respectful. But in December, his step-father got injured and he has been taking care of his mother and step-father since neither can work. My boyfriend doesn’t make a lot of money as he is a waiter, but he’s been picking up double shifts and working full time.

I have been passing off a lot of his behavior due to the situation he’s been in, but I feel like it’s starting to become a crutch.

We got into an argument last week and I told him that if he wanted to be with me, he’d let me know. I spent the next 6 days hoping for at least a phone call and got nothing. He promised he’d be over after work at midnight when I got a text at 11:30 saying he couldn’t make it. I got so mad that finally he did come over and we talked.

I took responsibility for my actions but his apology was always "Yes, I’m wrong, but you’re wrong too" or "I"m sorry, but we BOTH need to do this" or "I’m willing to work on the relationship, but not by myself".

Never a straight apology from him without bringing me into the equation.

Whenever I see something that he didn’t see he tells me I’m wrong and then when I get visibly upset he tells me he was joking.

We have had sex, but not a lot though he tells me about how much sex he and his ex-fiance (6 years ago) used to have and how much sex he had when he was younger.

I am the fattest person he’s dated (I’m a size 9/10 at 5′3 which I know is chubby for my height, but I’m not morbidly obese), so I wonder if he finds me undesirable. I’m certainly not the prettiest girl either (though I don’t think I’m ugly and he used to tell me that I was beautiful).

He tells me he’s not a jealous person but got ridiculously upset this past weekend when I went out with a friend of mine who happens to be a guy. I didn’t do it to be malicious, but my boyfriend didn’t call me nor ask me to do anything and I just moved back to my homestate so I’m trying to make new friends.

I’m scared to leave because I’ve always felt like he was the one and he is a good compromiser, but as of late, I’m not seeing that good compromiser. He told me he’d work on stuff and that wasn’t even a week ago and he’s back to doing exactly what he said he would not do.

I’ve looked up some warning signs about emotional abusers online and while he fits some of them, he doesn’t fit all of them. He’s showing signs, but we’ve only been together six months, so I don’t know if this is just the situation with his mom and step-dad or if this is a red flag.

I don’t think he’s intentionally emotionally abusive, but it just seems like he’s turning into one. I guess I could be wrong though which is why I’m here.

Any suggestions?
What does it sound like to you?
Anyone else ever been in a similar situation? Does it start slowly?
Is he just being a jerk?
Could it be just the situation and should I give him some more time?

I’m really at a loss, I never thought we’d come to this…

I’ve seen him four times in 2 and a half months, I really don’t think I’m being emotionally abusive or trying to control him…

And I’m not demanding his attention. I hadn’t seen him in nearly a month and thought maybe he’d have time to make a phone call for me.

He does have days off…

Yes, this is emotional abuse, and it will almost definitely get worse. I’ve been in very similar situations and it never got better. My ex acted in much the same way. I know how hard it is to move on, but now is the time to cut your losses and let him go. If he wanted to be with you, he would really be with you, and not the way he is acting now. It is ridiculous to see as little of him as you do. He clearly has another life that doesn’t involve you, and he thinks he can just keep you hanging on as long as he wants. No matter what he says about trying to improve or caring about you but having other things to deal with, the fact of the matter is that if he loved you, he would be there for you, and he isn’t. When my ex and I had these problems, he kept telling me he needed to get his own life in order and that was why I wasn’t seeing much of him, and I would go long periods of time without hearing from him, then he would randomly call and expect me to drop whatever I was doing in that second to spend maybe an hour with him, and then I wouldn’t see him again for two weeks. In actuality, he was dating another girl but didn’t want to totally break it off with me in case things didn’t work out with her. Do yourself a favor and don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he can keep you hanging on a thread at his whim. Leave him before it gets worse.

Posted emotional abusers |