AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

I work for a non-profit agency that works with people of all ages and abilities. We are trying to raise money for a state of the art facility for a preschool, k-12 school, 4 adult day habilitation programs, children’s case management, developmental therapy, physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and a greenhouse work program for adults, as well as community gardens, and a handicap accessible playground for the community. To better our community by increasing the abilities of the most disabled people in our community so they contribute to the community (and have an income), and provide a play/picnic area for all families and children of all abilities.
I am wondering what people donate to and why. It seems that there are many programs (grants and private trusts) to assist in things like animal shelters, and parks and things like that that are not such a high priority need for most communities. So why support these programs over programs that assist our community on a larger scale. Everyone knows someone who is an alcoholic/drug abuser, developmentally disabled, physically disabled, abused, raped, or has children in public programming and or activities, so why do chose to donate elsewhere?

First of all, who are you to say that animal shelters & parks are not as worthy/needy of funding as your program?

People donate to non-profits that directly effect their own lives. I donate $$ to my local community radio station. It might not seem like priority to you, but it is to me b/c I listen to that station everyday & my life would be empty without it. I also donate my time to Big Brothers Big Sisters, because it’s an established, well-known organization and I am directly involved in the life of my Little Sister.

Perhaps you need to publicize your organization more. Issue press releases about the work that you’re doing, start a direct mail campaign, have regular events (bake sales, car washes, concerts) to get the word out. The more people know about your charity, the more willing they will be to donate to it.

Remember – there are *tons* of worthy charities out there in need of funding. We can’t give to all of them – it’s just impossible. We do what we can afford, so we choose the ones that matter most to us. Don’t take it so personally that *everyone* isn’t contributing to yours. We have different values.

Alright heres my story..
I am 24yrs old and i have 12siblings and 4 of whice are all younger than me. When i was 13yrs old my dad was abusive physically and emotionally. He beat me several times and once i had to be hospitalized and he told the doctors that i got jumped by 2boys from school. When i was 15yrs old my mom threw me out of the house because i got a girl pregnant. When i was 17yrs old i picked up my little brothers from school (my youngest sibs are 12yrs younger than me) and brought them back to their house. Now my dad was only abusive to me and my older siblings, he never laid a hand on my younger siblings, he may have been a little emotionally harsh on them but he never hit them so i knew they were okay with him. When i got to his house me and him got into a verbal fight and i told him he was a hearless jerk, and i told him how i felt unloved and hated by him growing up and then stormed out of his house. He called me two days later appologizing and crying telling me he wished he knew that what he was doing was wrong and that he loved me dearly and stuff like that. My grandpa (my dads dad) was a cop and he was looked highly upon and everyone thought he was some super hero, but he was physically abusive to my dad and my grandpa never got in trouble for beating his kids so my dad grew up thinking that it was okay to use your fists as a punishment to your kids.
I have suffered through a lot of pain from my dad but he seems to have changed as a parent. My younger siblings are 1girl 16yrs old and 3boys 14yrs and twin 12yr olds. And my 16yr old sister is a daddy’s litte girl, they are very close and my brothers also are very close with him they do all sorts of things as a family now. My mom overdosed when i was 18yrs old so my dad has been a single father for 6yrs. My little siblings have promised me that my dad has changed, and they woundnt lie to me, and i even believe my dad has changed a lot.

My question to you is: Do you believe a man that physically and emotionally abuses his kids can change into a great father?

People can change if they want to bad enough! Sometimes it is a matter of learning new parenting skills and ways to deal with there own stress and anxiety in a healthy way and healing up there wounds from there own childhood.

You should read the book, The Secret Life of Men: A Practical Guide to Helping Men Discover Health, Happiness, and Deeper Personal Relationships by Steve Biddulph The relationship you have with your father is one of the most important ones of your life. It might not seem like it but it will effect the rest of your life. Your father seems to have been the one that has hurt you the most but it does not have to be like that anymore. You both can learn and grow from this and move on. It might take time to forgive him, to Trust him or feel safe around him, that is normal and understandable. Go at your own pace not his, This is very important, as a child he was the one with the power over you, now you are an adult and you are the one with the power.

Good luck.

providing he got help and was sorry? has anyone been there and done that? did it work or backfire? i realize noone has a right to touch another person ever!!! i wonder how the mind of abuser thinks? or do they? which is worse physical verses emotional?

I have seen many studies on the subject. And according to REAL studies, about 98% of them continue to beat their girlfriends/wives even after therapy.
If you go back, he will almost certainly beat you worse than before. His thinking will be, "She came back, therefore she wants me to beat her."

Does anyone know or have any examples as to what the punishment is in Texas for leaving large bruises on arms, waist and thighs after forcefully slapping (7 times), kicking and hitting a 15 year old girl? The offender is her father. He has a clean criminal record and this is the first incident. CPS and County Sheriffs s Dept are involved and child is with mother (ex-wive of abuser) at this time. Waiting for him to be charged….
I should have asked – What could he be charged with? Sorry!

I pride myself on ALWAYS having the correct answer for any question. And that answer is, I don’t know. Nor does anyone else.

How can we even speculate on punishment if there isn’t even an actual charge yet?

If someone turns into an abuser- whether it be mental, physical, verbal, sexual, etc..

were they once abused by someone else at one point in time?

what makes a monster???

You think the ones who were abused would have compassion for those weaker not repeat the process…

What determines whether they continue it and also how do they justify it? and what determines if they stop and say " i won’t do this"?

I had 2 relationships where the guys I dated were both equally abusers to myself. They both had different causes to their illness. Abusers are thought to have an underlying psychological illness that develops later on as they get older. It really comes from depression that is the starting point of this behavior.
The first time I dated a guy it was my first relationship, a 4 year relationship. I should have known with the first guy let’s call him A, when he first threw me across the room into the closet that was a red flag and to get out, run. We were 2 months into the relationship. But I thought I was the cause to get thrown like that so I stayed. He was brought up with 2 sisters and a brother and a marriage. However, the father was extremely abusive to the kids and the mother. He said would never hit a woman. Well, he did, me he threw me across the room and that was the first time experiencing that for me. It was over the fact I was confronting him about finding out he was secretly having dinners and lunches with my best friend during his supposed work day. Her sister called me to tell me this was going on. He got angry with me and said nothing was going on between them. That’s when I got thrown. Any who, the abuse to me got worse. But I kept thinking it would get better he would change. I found later, when he would drink alcohol he was even more evil to me. Sometimes he would be gone for a couple of weeks not ever coming home when we lived together. His excuse, I would be upset if he told me he was going to be gone for 2 weeks. Well, if he had said so, I would have not been. I came home one night after work and he was asleep on the couch. I greeted him telling him good night. He got so angry I guess because I woke him up. He through me on the bed and took a pillow to smother my face with it telling me to be quiet. I Could not breathe at all. His force got worsened. So, I had to physically fight my way out of his grip and ran away. Any way it got really bad one day I thought my life was going to end by the violence. Eventually the law had to help keep him away from me. The problem was, I tried breaking up with him so many times before and asked him to leave my house for good. But he threatened my life every time. That is why I stayed so long to put up with it to save my life. Finally, found the right help from law enforcement who kept him away from me forever. My family and I were at peace and I could move on. I did not date for a good few years after that horrid experience.

The second relationship the guy was a bit different. He was verbally assaulting and had an alcohol problem. Later, I found out he secretly did crack which I had no idea. Everyone told me after awhile. He soon got abusive with me. He was dating 2 other girls one was 18 and the other one was from his work. I was not happy about that, but was handling it like an adult as we were engaged. I told him if he wants to marry me he can’t have it that way. If he doesn’t want it monomogous then he needs to leave and if he does he needs to cut those girls loose. He got angry and came at me threw my head down into the carpet. That was the first time he ever got violent towards me after 2 years of relationship. I kicked him out after that. He told everyone before that, he would never put a ring on my finger. He told me I needed to be on medication when I actually did not. His situation growing up, he did not have a father, he left the family leaving his mother to raise him. He was a Momma’s boy who took care of him even in adult hood. One of the things he did was abuse me during sex. I didin’t like it so I stopped having sex with him as he liked it that way. He would strangle me during it and would not stop when I told him too.

I would think that ones who were abused or neglected etc, would not want to repeat the cycle. Well, they grow up thinking they will not, but in reality they become their worst nightmare. They justify it by blaming their victims. I got blamed for their actions every time it happened. I was being punished for actions I did not do violently. One thing in common with these two guys was, they both had a substance abuse problem. The reason for that is, it acts like a drug in their brain. The first time with substance abuse, makes it more easier each time for them to engage in this behavior of violence. Their brains remembers it and it becomes psychologically programmed. Therefore, each time they use alcohol or a drug, it will take less of use to get this way. For instance, it would take guy A 6 drinks before he was violent. Then it went down to only 1 drink. Same for guy B in my experience. Substance abuse does help provoke their underlying behavior before it’s too late. Now, the way I see it and based on their history after doing background checks, this was not the first time they acted in violence towards someone. I was just the next victim.

Now, here’s something different. I was physically abused by my father growing up. He had a drinking problem too. That’s where it came from. Yet, how come I rose above it and grew up the sweetest lady to ever meet? I never grew up violent towards others or mean to others. How come when I have a drink I do not get mean? In fact I get silly when I do have the occasional drink? Maybe it is because my father actually got help and never rose a hand again towards me when I was 15. Yet, I still have those memories. Then again, they do not cause me to engage in behavior at all as those guys did. I do not even yell when I am upset at things. So see, some folks do rise above from their past and do not engage in that type of behavior, but how come some do? It must be something deeper in the genetics of illnesses that perhaps co-exist in the family line some where causing for some to act violently or other strange abusive behavior.

Now as far as what determines if they stop and I wont do this, my father is an example. He stopped by getting help. He never rose his hand again towards me. The verbal abuse is still there, but I’d rather that then a fist. It took the threat of social services who I called to wake him up.
As far as guy A and guy B who I dated, guy A did not do anything to get him help. Guy B tried to go through therapy and alcohol treatment that he agreed to go through, but he still acted the way he did towards me. It never helped him.

I believe what it comes down to is it’s up to the person them selves. They have to be the ones who want to get better and make the changes. NO one can do it for them. The ones that do not stop do not care about their mental health. They allow it because they won’t acknowledge that something is wrong with them. Those that do stop are the ones that sit down and say to them selves. Okay something is wrong here, I need help. And if they really care, they make it happen.

It’s a shame I had to go through this a few times in my life to leave me with scarred memories, but what matters to me is I rose above it and did not turn out like them. I was able to walk away from it all a better person. One more thing, those in an abusive relationship the first time, my Mother said it’s easier to get into a 2nd one after the 1st. She was right. I have not been in an abusive relationship ever since those 2.

Why don’t they just leave when the abuser goes to work or goes out?

i am a non abusive male and do not understand why women put up with abuse. let me say that there has to be a million reasons why women do not get out. it seems to me that there are 2 main reasons. FEAR and FINACIAL SECURITY. i will also say that there are plenty of organizations that are eager to help these women, so, ladies, talk to co-workers, friends, neighbors,etc. look through yellow pages of your local phone directories. there is help available,trust in this and your life will surely improve and you WILL NOT regret it, especially if there are kids involved. everyone has the right to live a peaceful, happy, prosperous life. best wishes!!!!!!

Before you answer, why is a drug that has little physical dependence, and is proven to assist in medical purposses illegal? If Oxycontin is prefered over heroin in abusers, why is this medication legal even though it is far more dangerous and addictive that marijuana? Alcohol is a better example to justify the hipocracy….

Marijuana has little if any legitimate medical use. Plus there is no money to be made from it by the big pharmaceutical companies.

Saying that they did not say certain things?
Saying that they did not do certain things?
Like for example they did not thow an object that they set it down?
Using as soft and fake voice?
Asking for forgiveness?
Telling someone to put thing in the past and forget about them?

Saying it is not abuse because they did not strike the person?
Telling the person that they should not be affraid there is nothing to be affraid of?

Having rage that boils over to the point that the where the person is shaking and the person is grinding his teeth.

Blaming others for his problems. Saying he needs things and then not doing them to help himself.

Threating to lie in the future so it does not cause conflict.

Please tell me which if any of these are patterns of abusers. Please do not number them. Just say which one if any.

I am trying to understand abuse that is not the typical beating or physical kind.

Any help in understanding this would be great.
********He says it is my fault because I verbally pushed him to the edge.**********

No I do not live with him. He has a key to my home however. I am trying to end this thing. He is ambivolent and sort of wants to keep me and kind of does not at the same time. He says I am really sweet, but on the other hand I reminded him of his mom this time.******** I was just trying to communicate, but I set of some sort of land mine in him******* There are some land mines I do not know where they are he comes from a very phycically violent extended family and wants to leave that behind him. It is full of punching strangling and hair pulling. A gun was once pulled, but no one was killed. I was not concerned because he said he wanted to leave that behind and was concenred about me being violent. I am nothing of the sort. Perhaps that was a smoke screen to fool me in retrospect.********
***********I used to love him. I still have enough of my self intact. This is my 2nd abusive relationship in my life. This one snuck up on me. I am just trying to understand it. He keeps calling me and confusing me. I have my own place. I just need to secure my place from him**********
Oh there has been all this body image stuff about how fat and weak I am. I was recently punished by not being allowed to go to a wedding I was really looking forward to. That was the begininning of the end. I am sick and I am told to walk faster all the time when I cannot. Then I am told how sick and incapable I am then I am not alllowd leway and compassion for it. I get the worst of both worlds. His friends get to bash on me and tell me I am letting myself go. I have told him goodbye and to have a goodlife because he gave me an utimatum to deal with him or leave. Then he told me not to say goodbye. He hates it when I tell him I am scared of him because he wants to think of himself as the nice kind guy and not the scarry guy.
I am scared of him. my dog is scared of him. My dog has hidden when he has seen his rage.
My dog is not a fearful dog and does not hide. I have had my dog his full life and he has not been abused. He is a very confident dog.
Moving is not an option.

This guy has an anger and rage problem. Yes, he is emotionally and verbally abusing you. He is currently using objects to throw around instead of you. Take it from me, if you don’t get rid of him, you’re next. And yes, he can hurt your dog.

you have some that do, how do they feel now that they are doing the same thing they said they wouldn’t do. I also would like to know how does the one feels that started the cycle of abuse, do they sit back and say look what I did and are proud of themselves or do they feel guilty. say for example it’s the grandmother, mother, and granddaughter they all are abuser How do they feel about one another?

generally people accept as normal the things they are raised with, and you don’t start a cycle of abuse because you think its the wrong thing to do. often abusers are deeply in denial that they have a problem. if they admit there is a problem then they have to accept the rage against the person that abused them, and the guilt of abusing the next person in the chain.

regarding change:
breaking any cycle – even a bad one – can feel bad as well as good. some people feel guilty, or even start to miss the comfort of a familiar cycle.

Please list in order of severity with the first being the absolute worst.

Please do not list illegal qualities such as being a physical abuser.

I will post my own personal list in response to the best answer.

Spending my money, throwing out my alcohol, and nagging non stop.