AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

the problem, not them? Please, read it all.

I was married to a guy (I am not American, he is), but he would always criticize me so much, and tell me I am all the bad things that I had to leave him. The funny thing is that, I left him because he did to me and told me all the things that he is. He is mental abuser and I could not live with him. I can not reason with him, I always win……..there isn’t anything I tell him that I am right……….I am always wrong. As much as I try to talk to him and to explain things to him, it is for nothing…….I thought I would go back to him, I thought he had changed, but I can tell he hasn’t…….so I told him that we should be apart and get the divorce when time comes………..and I had to hear bunches of BS because of this. I am still the wrong one, the one that never fought for our marriage, the selfish one, the jealous one.He is always right. He has a boy, and he is obsessed by his boy because he (husband) was hurt when a child.
I mean: HE always wins. So, I gave up.

Your husband was most likely abused as a child and learned how to be an abuser. You will never "win" an argument with this man, so it’s good that you’ve decided to stop trying. Sometimes marriage counseling or abuse counseling (for him) can help, but most of the times, you’re better off getting a divorce. I think it’s amazing that you realize you’re not responsible for his behavior and that you’re not at fault. Too many women who end up with someone abusive begin to think that somehow they’ve done something wrong to cause the abuse to happen and spend a lot of time and energy trying to be perfect so the abuse will stop. The fact that you haven’t tells me you have a strong sense of self-esteem and know what is acceptable behavior and what’s not. Stick with what you know.

Sorry that this will end up in a divorce, but you are better off that way. Good luck in moving on and finding a man who is also mentally healthy.

My 19 year old son has adhd and odd. he is a substance abuser also. At the present time I’m trying to find out information on dual diagnosis.He is incarcerated right now for drug charges.

Advocacy organization for people with dual diagnoses.

give him visitation on the weekends (we have 3 children.) At least I can correct him when he is wrong, so that he will not harm the children emotionally on the weekends when I don’t have them.

Here is the problem:
He does not have his own mind. Everything he says is a repeat of what he has heard someone else say. He says it in the right context, but he cannot say something he genuinely believes. He even imitates others.

In order to get me to like him, he had to send cards (they already have the right words, he didn’t have to think of them,) and try really hard to hide the fact that he hates being a gentleman, he hates considering others, and he really has no ability to love anyone.

As you can tell, I am speaking of an abusive person. He is not as intelligent as I am, so I partly think he uses me to sound intelligent to his family. Then he tears me down to his family and mine.

I left him, but came back, because my accommodations were not the best for me and my children, and he agreed to move out. (I even tried going through DV shelters, but there was not space available, and they wanted a TPO.) He moved back in within a week, but at least he is behaving now. I have been gone for 3 months. He lives downstairs.

I know that there is a potential for him to be abusive again, but I know him generally, and I think I will be safe long enough to let my youngest get older (she is 5 weeks old.) He is more of a mental abuser than a physical abuser.

Please give advise on how to deal with his mental health. I would like only mental health professionals to answer, but realistically, answer only if you really know what you are talking about.

Not talking to him might be a good idea. Another good solution would be to hang around only positive people. Then at least everything he says will be positive. The problem is that I am self conscious, so I might be worried about something, and mention it to him. Then, he will validate the problem, because he can’t say it unless he heard someone else say it.

I have never met anyone like this before. My marriage counselor says he is mentally unstable. He reminds me of my 2 year old. She will repeat anything you say, and will imitate anything you do. Mind you, he won’t kill you if he sees it on tv, but I have wondered about this before…, so generally he will imitate and he will mostly repeat what he has heard.

—–Do not give advice on getting out of the marriage unless you know of something other than divorce. Please keep all answers respectful and legal.—-

People sometimes bash the woman for staying, but for me, right now the legal system is not giving me any better options.

The best thing for me would be to divorce, but that is only if my husband had no visitation. By the way, we are not sleeping together, and I keep the children upstairs with me.

We are going to start family therapy. He is the type that could possibly improve.

With the help of a mental health professional, if he is willing to go to one, you could make a solid case for terminating his parental rights if you could show he is mentally unfit to be with the children unsupervised. that would open the way to divorce.

Your current living conditions are far from ideal but you could make them work if you could set strict rules and abide by them.

You also have to stop being responsible for his well being. He is an adult and you need to be careful that you are not enabling his behavior in any way.

Do not take this as advice only other alternatives that may be helpful.

give him visitation on the weekends (we have 3 children.) At least I can correct him when he is wrong, so that he will not harm the children emotionally on the weekends when I don’t have them.

Here is the problem:
He does not have his own mind. Everything he says is a repeat of what he has heard someone else say. He says it in the right context, but he cannot say something he genuinely believes. He even imitates others.

In order to get me to like him, he had to send cards (they already have the right words, he didn’t have to think of them,) and try really hard to hide the fact that he hates being a gentleman, he hates considering others, and he really has no ability to love anyone.

As you can tell, I am speaking of an abusive person. He is not as intelligent as I am, so I partly think he uses me to sound intelligent to his family. Then he tears me down to his family and mine.

I left him, but came back, because my accommodations were not the best for me and my children, and he agreed to move out. (I even tried going through DV shelters, but there was not space available, and they wanted a TPO.) He moved back in within a week, but at least he is behaving now. I have been gone for 3 months. He lives downstairs.

I know that there is a potential for him to be abusive again, but I know him generally, and I think I will be safe long enough to let my youngest get older (she is 5 weeks old.) He is more of a mental abuser than a physical abuser.

Please give advise on how to deal with his mental health. I would like only mental health professionals to answer, but realistically, answer only if you really know what you are talking about.

Not talking to him might be a good idea. Another good solution would be to hang around only positive people. Then at least everything he says will be positive. The problem is that I am self conscious, so I might be worried about something, and mention it to him. Then, he will validate the problem, because he can’t say it unless he heard someone else say it.

I have never met anyone like this before. My marriage counselor says he is mentally unstable. He reminds me of my 2 year old. She will repeat anything you say, and will imitate anything you do. Mind you, he won’t kill you if he sees it on tv, but I have wondered about this before…, so generally he will imitate and he will mostly repeat what he has heard.

—–Do not give advice on getting out of the marriage unless you know of something other than divorce. Please keep all answers respectful and legal.—-

People sometimes bash the woman for staying, but for me, right now the legal system is not giving me any better options.

The best thing for me would be to divorce, but that is only if my husband had no visitation. By the way, we are not sleeping together, and I keep the children upstairs with me.

We are going to start family therapy. He is the type that could possibly improve.

With the help of a mental health professional, if he is willing to go to one, you could make a solid case for terminating his parental rights if you could show he is mentally unfit to be with the children unsupervised. that would open the way to divorce.

Your current living conditions are far from ideal but you could make them work if you could set strict rules and abide by them.

You also have to stop being responsible for his well being. He is an adult and you need to be careful that you are not enabling his behavior in any way.

Do not take this as advice only other alternatives that may be helpful.

give him visitation on the weekends (we have 3 children.) At least I can correct him when he is wrong, so that he will not harm the children emotionally on the weekends when I don’t have them.

Here is the problem:
He does not have his own mind. Everything he says is a repeat of what he has heard someone else say. He says it in the right context, but he cannot say something he genuinely believes. He even imitates others.

In order to get me to like him, he had to send cards (they already have the right words, he didn’t have to think of them,) and try really hard to hide the fact that he hates being a gentleman, he hates considering others, and he really has no ability to love anyone.

As you can tell, I am speaking of an abusive person. He is not as intelligent as I am, so I partly think he uses me to sound intelligent to his family. Then he tears me down to his family and mine.

I left him, but came back, because my accommodations were not the best for me and my children, and he agreed to move out. (I even tried going through DV shelters, but there was not space available, and they wanted a TPO.) He moved back in within a week, but at least he is behaving now. I have been gone for 3 months. He lives downstairs.

I know that there is a potential for him to be abusive again, but I know him generally, and I think I will be safe long enough to let my youngest get older (she is 5 weeks old.) He is more of a mental abuser than a physical abuser.

Please give advise on how to deal with his mental health. I would like only mental health professionals to answer, but realistically, answer only if you really know what you are talking about.

Not talking to him might be a good idea. Another good solution would be to hang around only positive people. Then at least everything he says will be positive. The problem is that I am self conscious, so I might be worried about something, and mention it to him. Then, he will validate the problem, because he can’t say it unless he heard someone else say it.

I have never met anyone like this before. My marriage counselor says he is mentally unstable. He reminds me of my 2 year old. She will repeat anything you say, and will imitate anything you do. Mind you, he won’t kill you if he sees it on tv, but I have wondered about this before…, so generally he will imitate and he will mostly repeat what he has heard.

—–Do not give advice on getting out of the marriage unless you know of something other than divorce. Please keep all answers respectful and legal.—-

People sometimes bash the woman for staying, but for me, right now the legal system is not giving me any better options.

The best thing for me would be to divorce, but that is only if my husband had no visitation. By the way, we are not sleeping together, and I keep the children upstairs with me.

We are going to start family therapy. He is the type that could possibly improve.

With the help of a mental health professional, if he is willing to go to one, you could make a solid case for terminating his parental rights if you could show he is mentally unfit to be with the children unsupervised. that would open the way to divorce.

Your current living conditions are far from ideal but you could make them work if you could set strict rules and abide by them.

You also have to stop being responsible for his well being. He is an adult and you need to be careful that you are not enabling his behavior in any way.

Do not take this as advice only other alternatives that may be helpful.

My ex of 2 years is suing for half-million dollars , due to what he claims was wrongful termination , after being arrested for domestic violence against me . the union through Brown County Mental Health ,has found an atty. for him in Madison , WI. By the way it is also coming out of Green Bay taxpayers . The term. letter stated that he could be a threat dealing with those who have mental illness ! I am the victim as his suit sits at the Supreme Court level . This is wrong , he said it has nothing to do with his performance at work (because this hapened at home). Arrested probation (that was a joke ), anger mgmt. never finished ! Was able to hire an atty. in Green Bay , WI. Royce Finne who got all of his charges dropped or reduced! If he should win this suit ,what are we telling abusers , ? Do I have any recourse to the said lawsuit if he wins for Domestic Violence ? Who do I contact, please don’t tell me to start calling around . I lost everything !, Where are my rights ????

If I were an attorney I wouldn’t touch this case. With his criminal and violent past he has little chance of winning. The only thing he might have in his favor is that the mental health hospital should have known about his past if they did a criminal background check on him. And if they did know about his past and hired him anyway then I could see some liability on the hospital. But he is going to have a long and difficult fight ahead of him. A fight he may very well lose. Not to mention that he is now known for suing former employers so good luck getting another job.
As far as you are concerned, get a good divorce attorney and leave this guy. He sounds dangerous.

I need to move on with my life with my new husband of one year, and I have 3 kids, one to the abuser. I just want to move on from this. I’m ashamed to say it lasted 8 years. Physical, mental and he cheated on me endlessly.

Maybe a better way of asking this question is to say, " How do I forgive myself so I can move on with my new life." Truly, most abuse situations are built on shame and dependence. These are the "mechanism" feelings that keep these relationships from ending a lot sooner. The abuser uses dependence to force the victim into isolation, either economic or social, isolation is used to keep the victim from leaving or reaching out for help. Shame is used to control the victim, it’s a mechanism of transference. The Abuser should be the one that feels guilt and shame, but because the relationship is codependent by nature, the victim takes on the guilt and shame so that the abuser does not have to shoulder the responsibility of the abuse, often the abuser goes to great lengths to keep this system in place. Thus further isolating the victim and allowing thew abuse to continue, etc.
Forgiveness always starts at home. That is to say, in any given situation we always need to learn to forgive ourselves first. Although the victim didn’t cause the abuse and certainly did not "make" the abuser the way they were, it is important to understand that abusers were in fact, manipulating a system of rage and control, by placing the responsibility of the abuse (by guilt association, shaming) on the victim. You can begin to forgive yourself by understanding that you could not "Cause, Control or Cure" the abuser or the abusive system. There was no way you could have done anything short of leaving the relationship to stop the abuse. The system of abuse is so finely well tuned, that often after a victim leaves a relationship, they will indeed return. It will take some time to find peace and forgiveness. Forgiving your abuser may actually be the least difficult aspect of your recovery. Learning to deal with those old toxic feelings you still have to live with may be the most challenging issue you face, this could take many years. And insuring that you move on with life despite the abuse you suffered in the past, is indeed the most sure fire sign that you have not only begun to forgive yourself, but that you have begun to escape the toxic bounds of that old system of abuse. Seek a recovery group of some sort, or contact http://www.ndvh.org/
Good luck to you

My friend’s ex partner is mentally abusing her child and she is at the end of her tether knowing what to do to put a stop to it, without getting the child hurt as he is totally loyal to his father.

"Stockholm Syndrome" aside, if the child it totally loyal to father then maybe there is some confusion about terming the problem "mental abuse."

The best your friend can do is let the child know that she is a safe person to talk to; she can ask for teachers to watch for behavioral changes in child; she can get profession counseling for child; she call child protective services to interview child.

Some alienated parents will speak very badly of the other parent.
A child can see through the lies if the other parent remains loving & does not berate the other parent.

My dad used to speak very harshly against my mother after their divorce & on our required visitation days. As kids, we put up w/ it and then went home to a loving mother who told us not to hate our father b/c he was the only dad we had. As for his comments, she said we were smart enough to figure out the truth. And we did.

This also happened to my daughter after her divorce. She had no need to berate the children’s father. She knew she was not the woman that he painted her to be. When the kids asked questions of her, she said, "You should ask your dad what he means by that."
He eventually got so vile in his responses that the children learned to disregard his words b/c they could see for themselves that she was not this type of woman.

e.g., the homeless, substance abusers, specific ethnic groups.

in your opinion, which group should be targeted for better mental health policy changes and why?

well heard of a segment called american women and children apparently this is the section as per statistics mostly effected by depression n mental illiness

i was in a relationship with a mental/verbal abuser for a period of time, and for some reason i did not realize it, he doesnt think there is anything wrong with him

however , he dumped me because he felt like i could not be controlled fully (my point of view, and also i noticed that he wanted to abuse me physically but knew that i wouldnt tolerate it ),
so a month later he proposed to a girl from a 3rd world country after he went there to pick one for himself

give me a percentage , what are the chances he will respect her?
or
what are the chances he will continue the abuse?
lovegame- iam not contacting either of them; i am just curious!
have u ever been curious

A 99.99 PERCENT CHANCE~~~ A ABUSER, ALWAYS A ABUSER!!!!