AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

What is Stockholm Syndrome?

It’s symptoms.

How is showing affection for the abuser a bad thing? If this person think that his abuser had a troubled past. Or a mental problem then shows sympathy for him, how is that mental illness.

And last question. If this is treatable, tell me how this disorder gets treated. If it’s therapy or rehabilitation, please explain what therapists might do

Isolation – Help the client identify sources of supportive intervention; Self-help groups or group therapy (group needs to be homogeneous to needs), also hot lines, crisis centers, shelters and friends.
Violence – As victims in abusive relationships minimize the abuse, or are in so much denial it may be necessary to ask directly about the different types of violent behavior. Many woman (and children) are confused about what is acceptable male (parental / authority) behavior. Journal keeping, autobiographical writing, reading of first hand accounts or seeing films that deal with abuse may be helpful to clients.
Perceived Kindness – Encourage the client to develop alternative sources of nurturance and caring (see #1).
Validating both Love and Terror – Helping the client integrate both disassociated ’sides’ of the abuser, will assist her in giving up her dream that the relationship will become what she had hoped it would be.

In Portland, OR, every couple months police uses excessive force: recently, a schizofrenic killed (beaten) by police, a month ago a man with a found wooden fake gun shot to death by police, some time ago, another woman shot to death (had no gun) just because she was driving away from a policeman, 3-4 years ago, a man with mental illness shot to death (had no weapon). Is it only in Portland, or everywhere?
I was asked for more details:
o The schizoefrenic man beaten to death couple weeks ago: James Chasse, link: http://www.katu.com/news/4421741.html. Google for more.

o The woman shot when trying to drove away: Kendra James, link: http://flyservers.registerfly.com/members5/policecrime.com/killed/or_police.html

I think it is common today what you are saying. I hear stories like this a lot, and it’s not getting better. They do stick up for each other and in a way I don’t blame them. They have a tough job that I know I wouldn’t want. I will say there are a lot of good Cops that get a bad reputation because of the bad ones. What would help is every six months have them take Drug tests, and a polygraph test.

I’m single, 45 years old,never married, no kids, live in Utah, believe in truth and honesty, Love: Lord Jesus Christ;family;my country USA. No addictions,reasonable mental and physical health, never an abuser, good with animals and children, saved, handsome, innate intelligent, loyal, believe in monogamy, bold against Satan, church singer, happiness derived from my trust in Jesus as my personal Savior and for all good and bad things that happen.

i’m sure you’ll find better answers on the r&s category

Whether it be physical or mental do they ever regret causing a person alot of pain?

probably a small percentage do regret their actions but most will be the way they are until they seek help to change their lives .
to some abusers that is how they grew up only knowing the abuse some abused because they were abused at a younger age they just need to break the cycle of abuse once and for all.

I originally posted this in the mental health category, but a few people sent emails saying it would receive more replies here in the religion category.

Do you feel it’s necessary to contact an abuser just to say you’ve forgiven them, or eventually resume association with them? If a Christian counselor or any counselor says you have NOT "really" forgiven if you’re unable to do these things, do you agree or disagree?

My spirit tells me reconcilation is not required for a Christian to forgive. What if the people you are forgiving(abuser or not) won’t admit what they’ve done to you? Wouldn’t that cause anger if you approached them to say "I forgive you"? Couldn’t it be dangerous depending on the situation?

I have forgiven past abusers, and pray for them, when I pray for myself. If I ran into them one day, and could not avoid interaction, I would not treat them unkindly or bring up the abuse. However, I do not want to voluntarily reconciliate with certain abusers. Any thoughts?
Also, there are certain people I’ve forgiven, that I would like to eventually reconciliate with. But those who are toxic, have not changed their abusivie ways, or worse, I have chosen not to contact. I also ended sessions with this therapist, and felt someone who shared a similar understanding of forgiveness would be best. What do you all think of this decision? Thank you.

You need to find yourself a new counselor. If contacting your abuser(s) could put you or your loved ones in harm’s way – that is terrible advice. You can forgive someone without having to tell them. That’s ludicrous! Please, find a new counselor.

my mother is both physical and mental

If I wanted to say "The physical side effects may only a(e)ffect the abuser, while the mental and emotional effects will a(e)ffect everyone around them."
Please ignore the repetition..I’ll make that sentence better in a while, right now I’m focusing on the 6 other pages I need to complete.
Thanks.

the affect would be the cause or influence of something on something else, whilst effect, would be the end result, or having the power to influence someone or something. (in a nutshell)

She calls me names, and says the most hurtful things on a daily basis. Can i secretly tape this to play to a doctor? I need help, shes making me go insane. I can’t take it anymore, I’m having emotional breakdowns everyday, and shes not happy unless I’m crying. Please tell me what can i do?
Thank you! i always try to ignore her, she just threw away my food. :[ Even if i don’t talk to her she calls family member and makes up lies, and it hurts me so bad i always end up crying to her, and that just ends up making it worse, She will pretend like shes my best friend. so i start talking to her again. then as soon as i start giving her my trust she rips out my heart all over again.

I know this is gonna sound difficult, but I think you should start avoiding contact with her for a while ( if you live with her, either try to go to friends houses as much as you can or try to talk to you dad). My mother was this way, when I lived with her she would use guilt trips, accuse me of acting certain ways or doing things I did not when she was angry, and had a weird jealousy thing about me when any of her boyfriends came over to our house. I got to the point where I realized it hurt to much to talk to her, but when I tried to stop all together I would worry things like "she’s my mom how can I stop talking to her" so I went back to talking to her.

Well that was a mistake because I’ve now been on my own for about seven years and still have nightmares about how she treated me, almost on a nightly basis. So best thing is to do is not make the same mistake I did.

I hope this helps.

Specifically for a friend who has abusive parents who verbally abuse her and psychologically try to control her. I need a book to get her that explains all the actions of a manipulator/mental abuser or something along the lines so that she can see she what verbal and mental abuse really is. Please thank you.

I don’t know a book to recommend, but Joyce Meyer Battlefield of the Mind, Beauty for Ashes, Approval Addiction might help. I wonder if you could type narcissistic personality disorder into a search engine and get some information that might help her. Narcissistic personality disorder is 85% alcoholics and/or drug addicts, 15% they believe are children who were raised by alcoholics or drug addicts, or just simply put down by someone when they were small children. Someone hurt them when they were little and made them feel small, and that is why they do it to other people. They have to put others down in order to make themselves feel bigger. (Not that that is an excuse.) They think they are God like, Saints, with grand egos, I call them destroyers, they just destroy people. In their mind they are right and the world is all wrong, they don’t have a problem, you do. They put others down because they are bullies, and cowards. They put others down because they have no self esteem. If they are putting you down, and pointing out your flaws, no one is noticing their flaws. In their mind they think it is their job to put others down, it is their duty. They are social, and the rest of the world is anti social, they are perfect and you are the one who is flawed. They cannot and do not take responsibility for their actions and behaviors, so they will never say they are sorry, because in their mind they have done no wrong, they have done nothing to be sorry for. They can go to therapy for years and have no change in their behavior or actions, because in their mind they are saints, and perfect, so they have nothing to change about themselves. I am not really sure if they even comprehend how they hurt other people. The best thing to do is to stay away from these people if possible. They cannot change and they will just bring you down. My in laws are this way, so I know how you feel. After 20 years of abuse they are now banned from my house. While they had the benefit of putting us down and hurting our feelings, they did pay a price. They are now retired and none of their children, their spouses, even their grand children, none of us want to be around them. They enjoyed abusing us all those years, and now they spend their holidays alone. They do pay a price. Hurting people, hurt people. One thing that I have learned to do is to stop playing the blame game. If my husband goes berserk on me, instead of saying "What did I just say? What did I just do to cause that?" I stop and take myself out of the situation. I realize that his outburst was not about me, but he had talked to his father that day, or his brother pooped on him and he is taking it out on me. So I stopped taking the blame and shame and guilt for his behavior. If I did something wrong, then fine it is my bust, but if it isn’t about me, I stop taking on the poop that goes with the situation. You have to realize that when people are hurting, the "issue" is not the "real issue" You have to take yourself out of the picture and think "what is hurting this person today?" You learn this when you deal with customers, but it works in real life too. A customer can have a problem long before you meet them, and the slightest thing you say or do, causes an explosion. It isn’t about eggs, it is about a man who’s wife just died. It isn’t about a parking spot, it is about a woman who’s 4-year-old got killed by a drunk driver. It isn’t about your boyfriend, your mothers dog just died. Hurting people, hurt people. So maybe a person staying at a hotel complains about the noise in the room, but maybe the real problem is that they got a speeding ticket, someone cut them off on the highway, or maybe they are not staying in the hotel for recreation, maybe they came in for a funeral and they are stressed about that. So the ‘issue" of the noisy room, is not about a noisy room, but about the stress of a funeral.

I understand that people are being sentenced to prison for sexual abuse crimes and they do their prison time and are about to be released but now are being confined involuntarily into mental hospitals indefinately. I hate sex abusers but this is a dangerous precedent as what will be next for civil commitment? Will people be sentenced for other crimes indefinately in the future for the duration of their lives and where is the rule I did my crime and did my time. Double Jeopardy seems to be fading in the wind and our rights and liberties are shrinking before our eyes but yet people accept this. Why? Do you agree that civil confinement is a dangerous road that we are embarking upon?

Sex offenders confined involuntarily? Boo freakin hoo. I think they deserve the death penalty. Statistics show that most sex offenders have high repeat probability when released. Lock them up and throw away the key.