AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

I’m not sure if my ex is both. He would get really furious over stupid little things so i felt like i was walking on eggshells with him. He called me"IGNORANT" several times because i would try to reason wit him during an argument. He once said to me that women are weak and that we can’t do anything.He would give me the silent treatment till i call him and would sometimes hang up on me during an arguement or tells me i’m making his headache worse so he’s getting off the phone. He is constantly going on about all the problems in his life but really never cares to ask me bout mine.He acts like everything is just fine the next morning after an argument.he doesn’t really apologize when he knows he’s wrong.He thinks everyone likes him because he has many friends but they don’t know wats on the inside of him.
Am i right to say he’s an emotional abuser?

He has problems. Please stop being his emotional punching bag. Leave fast!

She is narcissistic, angered easily, proud, and incapable of admitting when she is wrong. She often says things to me like, "they must have given me the wrong baby!", or "you’re not my son, your his!" (meaning my Dad’s). Not to be cruel, she says this almost tongue-in-cheek. She has hardly ever offered praise but constantly hammers me with criticism and shame. She claims to be "an open book" which she uses to justify saying everything on her mind about me. She is tactless and cruel to everyone she claims to love.

I’ve heard it said that physical and sexual abuse aren’t nearly as bad as emotional abuse because those scars never heal. Obviously, if a parent is guilty of the first 2, EVERYONE would agree they are an abuser, but when it’s emotional abuse, it seems much harder to assign blame.

Wow! Maybe you should talk to a guidance counselor or family member maybe they can help! YOu have a Dad speak to him he must see this tell him how you feel!

These types of abuse are often downplayed (unlike physical abuse, which is usually taken very seriously) and I was wondering how the verbal/emotional abuse reporting process may be played out.
Realistically, if I report several incidents of verbal and emotional abuse, will it likely be treated seriously and what may happen to the abuser?

You would somehow have to provide proof, like if it was in an email or text message, or if other people were present. The repercussions really depend on the severity of the abuse; if it’s bad enough, it will be taken just as seriously as physical abuse. If you can’t provide any proof or witnesses, the least you could do is get a restraining order.

Are there any ex-woman-abusers on here that have ‘recovered’ from being a physical or emotional abuser?

If so, can you explain why you used to abuse your woman, what made you change, and how you feel about what you did in the past?

No I am not abused.

Unfortunately, it is not only the abuser… that has no chance of recovery.
The woman will often seek out another abuser in absence of one.
Both parties need extensive psychological evaluation and therapy.

I had an emotional abusing boyfriend and he left me without any communication and moved onto another guy(his boss in his workplace within a month after he started working) and was with both of us for a while. If I didn’t ask him, he was probably going to play the game with both of us and when I asked him, he said he was with another one and I was hurt since he never communicated it to me. We kept the contact but me wounds still did not heal. I am curious if he is going to be able to hold this relationship for a long time with him. Before this, he had a lot of 3-month, 4-month, 6-month, 8-month relationships and it seems that there is no gap between these and all overlap. When I ask him why he was with them, he gave me different answers eact time such as I didn’t want to be alone, or I was enjoying the sex and etc. I really loved him but when I discovered his this face, I was shocked and sad.

I think maybe you know the answer but perhaps do not want to deal with the reality of the situation. This man sounds like he has intimacy issues. He appears unable to sustain a relationship…a relationship is not simply the thrill of the conquest and sexual excitement, or simply not wanting to be alone. Of course attraction, affection, and sex are fun, but when the reality of everyday living surfaces, does the individual in question have the ability to be truly present? He would be considered not an emotional abuser, in my opinion but rather someone who is afraid to be alone…and on top of that equates a relationship with the thrill of the chase, not looking for commonality with a partner, and shared ideals, that could lead to a healthy relationship.

What this boils down to is what do you want? What did you love about him? Feeling anxiety, and mistrust is not love. If your feelings are not reciprocated it can be quite painful. If he had a history of stable, long term partnerships, I might suggest, if yours was brief, that it was not satifactory for him. But this is not the case. You must decide what your wishes, and hopes and desires are, and match them to an individual who can offer you that in kind.

I wish you the very best.

I had an emotional abusing boyfriend and he left me without any communication and moved onto another guy(his boss in his workplace within a month after he started working) and was with both of us for a while. If I didn’t ask him, he was probably going to play the game with both of us and when I asked him, he said he was with another one and I was hurt since he never communicated it to me. We kept the contact but me wounds still did not heal. I am curious if he is going to be able to hold this relationship for a long time with him. Before this, he had a lot of 3-month, 4-month, 6-month, 8-month relationships and it seems that there is no gap between these and all overlap. When I ask him why he was with them, he gave me different answers eact time such as I didn’t want to be alone, or I was enjoying the sex and etc. I really loved him but when I discovered his this face, I was shocked and sad.

I think maybe you know the answer but perhaps do not want to deal with the reality of the situation. This man sounds like he has intimacy issues. He appears unable to sustain a relationship…a relationship is not simply the thrill of the conquest and sexual excitement, or simply not wanting to be alone. Of course attraction, affection, and sex are fun, but when the reality of everyday living surfaces, does the individual in question have the ability to be truly present? He would be considered not an emotional abuser, in my opinion but rather someone who is afraid to be alone…and on top of that equates a relationship with the thrill of the chase, not looking for commonality with a partner, and shared ideals, that could lead to a healthy relationship.

What this boils down to is what do you want? What did you love about him? Feeling anxiety, and mistrust is not love. If your feelings are not reciprocated it can be quite painful. If he had a history of stable, long term partnerships, I might suggest, if yours was brief, that it was not satifactory for him. But this is not the case. You must decide what your wishes, and hopes and desires are, and match them to an individual who can offer you that in kind.

I wish you the very best.

I just left an emotional abuser yesterday, it was hell to get him out, but I managed with the help of my family.

Now he is making all these promises to change and be better (i’ve given him several warnings) i guess he didnt believe me, but now he won’t stop calling me and its making it harder for me to get over him, we were together for two years. what do i do?

sever all ties with him completely. Don’t answer his calls or respond to his messages. If you can’t control yourself, change your number. Don’t allow him to come over, call the cops if he does. Get an emotional support person/group. Be it a friend or family member or even an womens support group. You need someone to help you keep strong and avoid this.

He wont leave you alone because it’s all part of the abuse. Abuse is about low self-esteem being boosted by forcing a feeling of control and dominance. You shook that false security by regaining control of yourself and affecting his situation. His attempts to get you back and manipulate you are another form of abuse and him trying to force his control and dominance back over you. Don’t allow yourself to acknowledge his existance anymore.

Been with him for 6 yrs, h ave a 18mon old son. Over the course of years hes changed a lot, from emotional abusing me, always calling me names, putting me down, belittling me, critisizing the way i clean, always making me feel its never good enough to pushing me, throwing things at me, breaking my belongings, kicking me outta the house with no shoes, and lastly, hitting me in the face like 6times and kicking my ribs had to have him arrested and go to emerg for check up , was there 6 hrs. I was dead set it was over, then course he starts with the remorse and so begins the cycle of violence, with the honeymoon phase. I see myself down the road finally done with him but its so hard to get there, i know it seems crazy that i dont finally end it once and for all i cant seem to fully do it, i need advice, maybe i need a brick to fall on my head, lol, i dunno. Scared, uncertain, and desperately wanting a change….

So what happens to your son when this idiot finally kills you??????? Does he become the next victum????? You need to get a back bone for him and just leave! There are lots of places for abused woman to go with their children. Do it NOW!!! I’ll pray for you and your little boy…..

When you study emotional abuse and see that abusers were lying and were wrong, that you really are not dumb, lazy or crazy, does it set you free and make you feel better?
Id say that you cant heal unless you know both. Knowing they were wrong and feeling empathy for them. If you dont know they were wrong you can know it was abuse in the 1st place.

It can do but that’s not the most desirable response. The best thing you can do is feel empathy and compassion for abusive people. That way you stay empowered.

The vast majority of abusers were abused themselves, they have learned their abusive ways unconsciously.

You don’t always feel better when you realise you’re not dumb, lazy or crazy as the realisation doesn’t change the past. Instead of being stuck in the past feel sorry for abusers, rather than having gotten "one up" on them for being proved correct.

This way they don’t have an impact on your happiness and future. You also then won’t feel the same desire for revenge – revenge in the long run never pays off.

EDIT:

I don’t agree that you need to know they’re wrong to know they’re abusers, many people out there (wrongly) feel they deserve to be abused. For example if a person cheats on a partner and is subsequently with someone who cheats on them they may feel they deserve to be treated that way if they feel guilty enough about their own past behaviour. They may feel they are so unworthy of good treatment that they think it’s RIGHT for them to be abused.

If someone is emotionally, verbally or physically abusive towards you the relationship needs to be ended or modified. Period. If you allow yourself to feel empathy for the abusive person it’s a lot easier to rise above the pain they put you through, that’s nothing to do with staying in contact/a relationship with them.

Yes, however, not usually with the same partner whom they abused. Generally if you are with an abuser, you create what is typically called a co-dependent relationship where each person unknowingly is drawn to and enables the other. It’s like marrying someone who loves twinkies, and two years after marrying them, you discover you’ve gained 70 pounds! The relationship tends to support these ill behaviors and will naturally resist change. This is why when teens go off for "treatment" they often fail when they come home because their ill behaviors gave the family someone to blame problems on. Once we, as individual people experience change, especially positive change, it is often difficult for those around us to support them and accept them, especially when they have their own issues to develop through. And this is what I hear in your case. The fact that you have stayed with an abuser for a long enough time that you are considering sticking with him through the therapeutic and healthy process of change, says that you have some issues of your own that may need to be explored. For example, if he was abusive to you how were you able to allow someone to treat you like that for so long without leaving, retaliating or standing up for yourself? Perhaps you have some hard questions to ask of yourself, just like he has to ask of himself. Another suggestion might be to remain friends who support each other’s personal growth, and if in the future, the health and positive change in you both is able to support and nurture a healthy relationship, then consider rejoining in a closer or more intimate relationship. I strongly believe that it takes a really special person to be able to deal with person issues and also maintain a healthy and stable relationship at the same time. Sometimes you need to take a break from providing for someone else, and use the time to focus your energy on yourself, so that you can be better.