AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

Well I am divorced and well i cant get over my ex,well i dont think that i love him anymore its just that well he emotionally abused me and till this day i still have his thoughts in my mind he tried to control me and exile from everyone that i love and he i couldnt do anything like go anywhere and i sacrificed my whole life for him and i just dont see why i care how his lifes going to be like its been months and he still is on my mind some days some days im like the hell with him and top it all off i left him right and he spread the most nasty rumors about me and like i say to myself what do i need that for like what if hes worst than before like he says how he wants me and stuff but like i was so depressed and like i would cry everyday and even sometimes i cy now thinking of all the things hes done to me like he made me feel like i was garbage and i was lucky for him to even marry me and he was so emotionally abusive and even today im like parannoyed and ive been getting better and that but i still think what if this or that and like im so confused ?please help me and im just lost

First off, way to go for leaving him. That takes a lot of guts, especially when somebody is abusive. You would think it’s easier to leave somebody when they treat you badly, but it actually makes it harder because it tears you down and weakens you. Just remember that every day you are away will make you stronger.

It really is hard to get over somebody, and it will take more than a few months. It does get easier, though. Especially if you stay away from him completely. Don’t have any more contact with him than you absolutely have to. And don’t let him manipulate you into being in contact with him. Exes will come up with all sorts of ridiculous schemes just so they can keep yanking you back into their world.

End every conversation as quickly as you can and only discuss the things you absolutely have to discuss to wrap things up.

And don’t ever believe it when a piece of garbage tries to tell you that you are the garbage. Way to go for kicking that garbage to the curb.

Well I am divorced and well i cant get over my ex,well i dont think that i love him anymore its just that well he emotionally abused me and till this day i still have his thoughts in my mind he tried to control me and exile from everyone that i love and he i couldnt do anything like go anywhere and i sacrificed my whole life for him and i just dont see why i care how his lifes going to be like its been months and he still is on my mind some days some days im like the hell with him and top it all off i left him right and he spread the most nasty rumors about me and like i say to myself what do i need that for like what if hes worst than before like he says how he wants me and stuff but like i was so depressed and like i would cry everyday and even sometimes i cy now thinking of all the things hes done to me like he made me feel like i was garbage and i was lucky for him to even marry me and he was so emotionally abusive and even today im like parannoyed and ive been getting better and that but i still think what if this or that and like im so confused ?please help me and im just lost

First off, way to go for leaving him. That takes a lot of guts, especially when somebody is abusive. You would think it’s easier to leave somebody when they treat you badly, but it actually makes it harder because it tears you down and weakens you. Just remember that every day you are away will make you stronger.

It really is hard to get over somebody, and it will take more than a few months. It does get easier, though. Especially if you stay away from him completely. Don’t have any more contact with him than you absolutely have to. And don’t let him manipulate you into being in contact with him. Exes will come up with all sorts of ridiculous schemes just so they can keep yanking you back into their world.

End every conversation as quickly as you can and only discuss the things you absolutely have to discuss to wrap things up.

And don’t ever believe it when a piece of garbage tries to tell you that you are the garbage. Way to go for kicking that garbage to the curb.

I actually think emotional abuse is worse. It can effect you for the rest of your life. And there’s less evidence usually so you can’t press charges to defend yourself against a psychological abuser. And not having proof of it can make your mental state even worse.

I’d appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.

Neither is more damaging than the other from a psychological perspective because everyone is different. Some people suffer Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from physical abuse and some from emotional abuse. It depends on the individual suffering the abuse. No two people are alike so everyone’s experience is different. You’re right in saying there is no physical evidence with emotional abuse but it can still affect you just as bad as physical abuse. The best thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation at the first instance of any type of abuse and don’t go back. Most abusers do not rehabilitate without lots of therapy and most abusers won’t agree to get therapy.

There’s a lot of talk about leaving a man once he hits you, and spotting signs of physical abuse. but what about emotional abuse? when does disagreement/a bit of moodiness become emotional abuse?

My friend’s boyfriend is very unpredictable and changes his mood a lot; sometimes he’s really sweet and caring, other times he’s really insulting. he tells his girlfriend (my friend) that she’s stupid and that no other men would want her and he swears at her when he’s mad. but they’re kinda kinky and he says that he talks like that because she enjoys it, or that he’s only joking. my friend is very intelligent and i’m wondering if he’s threatened by her. he makes her upset and she’s told him to stop and what she doesn’t like it, but he carries on. he’s also very sexually explicit.

This guy is one of those vile, evil, antisocial, sociopathic, callous loser louses that lives life to mooch and scrounge off of others, namely innocent people who are weaker in strength than them.

These vile types of men seek out women who have the status, self esteem, respect, careers, money, financial situations, goals, ambitions, livelihoods and lifestyles they want for themselves because the thrill is to obtain all that for themselves by taking it away from them and turning them into pathetic poor, penniless, low self esteem losers with nothing, believing they are nothing and believing they are useless, worthless, meaningless nothings who should accept evil people’s abuse because they deserve it and that they are no amount to anything!

They use their best charming guy approach they conjured up by observing other genuinely sweet kind sincere nice guys to use to their advantage to acheive their goal of getting what they want when they want for their own selfish needs, wants and desires.
When their " best " effort to manipulating the women they are fixtated on into believeing they are such wonderful perfect guys that should be in their lives they get mad and use vile aggressive, antisocial intimidation to get what they want and their way.

They only care about themselves, they only think about themselves, they only think about their own needs and expect them to be met at other people’s expense. They don’t care about others feelings accept for their own feelings of getting what they want and how they feel when they don’t get what they want!

They are cowards, they don’t have the guts to take real men their own size because they would be knocked to the ground covered in their own blood they get their pleasure from taking out their anger, mental issues and aggressions out on women who are half their size and weaker than them in strength and yes they bully young boys who no muscle development yet!

There’s a lot of talk about leaving a man once he hits you, and spotting signs of physical abuse. but what about emotional abuse? when does disagreement/a bit of moodiness become emotional abuse?

My friend’s boyfriend is very unpredictable and changes his mood a lot; sometimes he’s really sweet and caring, other times he’s really insulting. he tells his girlfriend (my friend) that she’s stupid and that no other men would want her and he swears at her when he’s mad. but they’re kinda kinky and he says that he talks like that because she enjoys it, or that he’s only joking. my friend is very intelligent and i’m wondering if he’s threatened by her. he makes her upset and she’s told him to stop and what she doesn’t like it, but he carries on. he’s also very sexually explicit.

This guy is one of those vile, evil, antisocial, sociopathic, callous loser louses that lives life to mooch and scrounge off of others, namely innocent people who are weaker in strength than them.

These vile types of men seek out women who have the status, self esteem, respect, careers, money, financial situations, goals, ambitions, livelihoods and lifestyles they want for themselves because the thrill is to obtain all that for themselves by taking it away from them and turning them into pathetic poor, penniless, low self esteem losers with nothing, believing they are nothing and believing they are useless, worthless, meaningless nothings who should accept evil people’s abuse because they deserve it and that they are no amount to anything!

They use their best charming guy approach they conjured up by observing other genuinely sweet kind sincere nice guys to use to their advantage to acheive their goal of getting what they want when they want for their own selfish needs, wants and desires.
When their " best " effort to manipulating the women they are fixtated on into believeing they are such wonderful perfect guys that should be in their lives they get mad and use vile aggressive, antisocial intimidation to get what they want and their way.

They only care about themselves, they only think about themselves, they only think about their own needs and expect them to be met at other people’s expense. They don’t care about others feelings accept for their own feelings of getting what they want and how they feel when they don’t get what they want!

They are cowards, they don’t have the guts to take real men their own size because they would be knocked to the ground covered in their own blood they get their pleasure from taking out their anger, mental issues and aggressions out on women who are half their size and weaker than them in strength and yes they bully young boys who no muscle development yet!

This will probably end up long, so don’t read if you don’t want to.

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27. He’s *usually* a charming, intelligent, and sweet guy as well as respectful. But in December, his step-father got injured and he has been taking care of his mother and step-father since neither can work. My boyfriend doesn’t make a lot of money as he is a waiter, but he’s been picking up double shifts and working full time.

I have been passing off a lot of his behavior due to the situation he’s been in, but I feel like it’s starting to become a crutch.

We got into an argument last week and I told him that if he wanted to be with me, he’d let me know. I spent the next 6 days hoping for at least a phone call and got nothing. He promised he’d be over after work at midnight when I got a text at 11:30 saying he couldn’t make it. I got so mad that finally he did come over and we talked.

I took responsibility for my actions but his apology was always "Yes, I’m wrong, but you’re wrong too" or "I"m sorry, but we BOTH need to do this" or "I’m willing to work on the relationship, but not by myself".

Never a straight apology from him without bringing me into the equation.

Whenever I see something that he didn’t see he tells me I’m wrong and then when I get visibly upset he tells me he was joking.

We have had sex, but not a lot though he tells me about how much sex he and his ex-fiance (6 years ago) used to have and how much sex he had when he was younger.

I am the fattest person he’s dated (I’m a size 9/10 at 5′3 which I know is chubby for my height, but I’m not morbidly obese), so I wonder if he finds me undesirable. I’m certainly not the prettiest girl either (though I don’t think I’m ugly and he used to tell me that I was beautiful).

He tells me he’s not a jealous person but got ridiculously upset this past weekend when I went out with a friend of mine who happens to be a guy. I didn’t do it to be malicious, but my boyfriend didn’t call me nor ask me to do anything and I just moved back to my homestate so I’m trying to make new friends.

I’m scared to leave because I’ve always felt like he was the one and he is a good compromiser, but as of late, I’m not seeing that good compromiser. He told me he’d work on stuff and that wasn’t even a week ago and he’s back to doing exactly what he said he would not do.

I’ve looked up some warning signs about emotional abusers online and while he fits some of them, he doesn’t fit all of them. He’s showing signs, but we’ve only been together six months, so I don’t know if this is just the situation with his mom and step-dad or if this is a red flag.

I don’t think he’s intentionally emotionally abusive, but it just seems like he’s turning into one. I guess I could be wrong though which is why I’m here.

Any suggestions?
What does it sound like to you?
Anyone else ever been in a similar situation? Does it start slowly?
Is he just being a jerk?
Could it be just the situation and should I give him some more time?

I’m really at a loss, I never thought we’d come to this…
I’ve seen him four times in 2 and a half months, I really don’t think I’m being emotionally abusive or trying to control him…
And I’m not demanding his attention. I hadn’t seen him in nearly a month and thought maybe he’d have time to make a phone call for me.

He does have days off…

Yes, emotional abuse starts slowly.
Yes, it could just be the situation.

But, most likely it is a combination of all of the things in his life.

1st, when he talks about the past, his sex life and energy level, don’t take that personally. He’s older, working harder, has more stress, and that has nothing to do with you or your sex appeal.

2nd, this isn’t really about you at all, but you kind of think it is, or should be. He’s working harder and has more stress and more people demanding his emotional attention and energy. If you add to that need, he will feel drained by you. Because, let’s face it, if he has to choose between you and his parents right now, you’re gonna lose. But, if you step up to the plate and lighten his load emotionally as well as physically, he will be drawn even closer to you. And voila’ you win!

3rd, emotional abuse can go both ways. Are you trying to control him a little with your emotional needs? Couldn’t that also be considered abusive? I’m not trying to make you feel bad, nor am I actually accusing you of something, but going out with male friends, demanding attention when he’s already stressed, ignoring his situation and needs…doesn’t seem like much of a compromise on either side. I just think you need to look at it from both sides.

At this point, neither one of you are abusive, it’s impressive, though, that you are recognizing the signs of a potentially toxic situation for your relationship.

Choose your battles wisely, make sure they’re ones you really need to win before you engage in warfare. lol.

Some of the things we fight for are really silly and only you can determine which of those things are important to you and which can be overlooked.

I think you should give him some more time, at least 2 more weeks, and during that time also give more attention, love, and support and see if there’s a difference. If there isn’t, then it would be time to re-think your relationship.

Good luck!

the relationship lasted less than a year and the man was an emotional abuser.

don’t make excuses up for wanting to date. Shoot, if you feel like dating do it. Who cares what people think. Obviously you weren’t in love if you divorced him, so go for it. Life is too short to waste time. But, make sure you don’t rebound and get tied up into another relationship right away. Play the field and have fun and don’t worry about what people think.

Emotional Neglect is not the same as emotional abuse. Emotional neglect is when a loved one ignores a person’s feelings, accomplishments, and when a loved one doesn’t meet a person’s needs.
As children we strive for our parents attention. We want their acceptance and we need them emotionally in order to grow healthy and secure. As adults, we continue and strive for emotional attention. This is why we surround ourselves with family and friends. No matter what age or how independent we are, we as adults need an emotional connection in order to survive.

In an abusive relationship, the victim tends to meet the abuser’s emotional needs. The victim is there to listen to the abuser’s complaints, worries, anger, feelings, frustrations, and past dilemmas. The victim tends to compliment the abuser and praise them. The abuser is so wrapped up in his/her own feelings that they emotionally cannot be there for the victim.

How do we break the cycle and end the pain
Professor,

I am not trying to lecture, I am trying to understand as I need this treatment to stop in my life. I am looing for awnsers here.

Breaking the cycle is up to you. You have to choose to not live your life as a victim or abuser. I have found that acceptance is a good place to start. A book I’ve recently started reading is "bad childhood, good life" by Dr. Laura S. Some of it is common sense but she shares a lot of other people’s success, and not-so-successful stories. They help put your own turmoil into perspective.

I realize there’s no quick and easy way, but I’m wondering if anyone has been able to get over listening to the tapes of their emotional abuser playing in their head all the time. And how do you trust someone else again??

You take time. You gain back your sense of self, You get help. I couldn’t have done it alone, he really messed with my head, but it helps when you research the person who abused you and find out that he was only king in your relationship,the rest of his life is just a lie. Emotional abuse is worse the physical because the pain he inflicts on you isn’t visible, there are no scars, just the echoing of his lectures in your head. But take my word for it, you do survive.

I realize there’s no quick and easy way, but I’m wondering if anyone has been able to get over listening to the tapes of their emotional abuser playing in their head all the time. And how do you trust someone else again??

You take time. You gain back your sense of self, You get help. I couldn’t have done it alone, he really messed with my head, but it helps when you research the person who abused you and find out that he was only king in your relationship,the rest of his life is just a lie. Emotional abuse is worse the physical because the pain he inflicts on you isn’t visible, there are no scars, just the echoing of his lectures in your head. But take my word for it, you do survive.