AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

There are shelters everywhere for women who have endured physical abuse. These women definitely need protection! But so do those who are emotionally abused. The abuser is frequently able to convince the abused woman to stay with him – simply by using the right tactics, such as making her feel like trash.

Where does a woman go who has been emotionally abused? The main thing is – where can that woman go to find people who will actually BELIEVE her, and understand the problem, and be able to help?

There are many resources available to women who endure emotional abuse, which can be as damaging or actually more damaging than physical abuse (not to say physical abuse is not as big an issue, I don’t want to give you that impression). Any domestic violence shelter or hotline should be able to give you references and/or help in handling emotional abuse. Since locations are not given where the help is needed, below are three references on line that can be used as guides. The last one will give state-by-state sources for help in the United States, if that’s where the problem is.

Best advice: If this is a repeated problem, and there’s no hope of it getting better, plans to get out of the situation are necessary. Do that. Good Luck.

I was emotionally abusive throught out our realtionship, I drank and was a jealous and insecure person that lived in fear of losing my girlfriend to someone else. I was controlling and possesive. I have since quit drinking (2mths) and am seeking counselling for both my alcholism and another counsellor for my mental health, she wanted to marry me up until we decided to break up because I wanted to go on living like I was 21 not 33 and she wanted marriage and kids. After we broke up She realized that I was abusive. I realized what I had and how much I did not like myself and what I really wanted was right in front of me the whole time. Now I am trying to make mysef a better person and at the same time hoping she will forgive me for my past abusive behaviour and take me back with the love and intamacy she once showed me. Is this possible? From what I have read on the net there is little or no hope for me that I can change. I belive I can and I will if not for her then for myself.

First continue getting help – you need it!!! don’t expect her to take you back arms open – you need to develop trust that you will not do this again – after all the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. IF she does decide to take you back some form of domestic violence counselling when she is also involved would be VERY helpful. She needs to understand your triggers so that if you became abusive again she can have a safety plan in place. it does seem that you have a strong commitment to change so good luck to you.

I just want to make sure that what he is doing is, in fact, abuse…

Well I’m sorry. I don’t have a husband. I am one and I’m not an abuser of any sort.

My guy is so sweet when sober as soon as he has alcohol in him. He starts to bring up the past like my ex boyfriends which i had years before i ever met him. He calls me whore slut and tells me it’s my fault my daughter doesnt have a father. When he is sober he tells me that he wants to be my daughters father help i’m so confused!!! We are supposed to get married next week and i’m scared he will never change

I hate to say this but I would leave him. There is no telling how violent he will get with your daughter. I would find someone better and sober than him. There are better fish in the sea. Good luck on your decision.

Thanks for the quick replies. He is an abuser because first he was so sweet and captured all my attention, and he said he was craving for love. When I gave him, a month after he tried to ban to speak with my family and tried to cut off my friend network who know me 10 years. I had one relationship lasting 8 and a half years and we are still good friends. He tried to belittle him and me in front of my friends. First, I thought he was kidding and since I loved him, I ignored them. He was my 2nd boyfriend. He told me stories about his father beating him with leather belt and I held his hand and I told him that those days are over and I had compassion for him. However after a while he started battering me and complained that I never make him a part of my life. No matter what I did, he did not like. He was flunk out of a very famous graduate school for something that happened him and his advisor. When he moved onto another guy, I felt really betrayed. Curious if he will be able to hold this

MOVE ON! Be glad you got out alive. You were in the midst of a slow, painful death–your own! That dude will never be happy if he keeps looking outside of himself rather hearing out the demon within, so he can heal. Good riddance, it wasn’t you it was/is him.

Take time for yourself and heal yourself or you may find yourself attracting another abuser. You need to regain your confidence before putting yourself out there and after five years of emotional abuse some wear and tear has been done to your confidence.So take it slow, especially with some of the wolves out there you need to be in tip top shape to take the plunge again.

Take time for yourself and heal yourself or you may find yourself attracting another abuser. You need to regain your confidence before putting yourself out there and after five years of emotional abuse some wear and tear has been done to your confidence.So take it slow, especially with some of the wolves out there you need to be in tip top shape to take the plunge again.

I think my Dad is a pretty great one. He has always been supportive and loving and I am his stepdaughter technically, but he married my mom when I was 2 so he is the only Daddy in the world to me. He is a real man to me and I wish I could have found and married one like him. I married an emotional abuser at age 20 to which I am still married to 11 years later and in counseling.

Your dad sounds like a good example of what a man should be, not just for his wife but also his family and friends.
Getting married at 20 is very young and you’re most likely to be stuck to some one who you don’t really know that well. Your parents may or may not know what you’re going thru, but I would suggest having a heart to heart talk with them and tell them your experience so far, and look into getting a divorce. I am Catholic and don’t advocate divorce, but there are times when it is necessary for your own health and safety. It is not the easiest thing to do, emotionally and financially, but ask yourself if you want to spend another 11 years or more suffering more of the same that you have suffered over the last 11 years. I don’t think your husband will change any time soon as he has had 11 years to do it and no matter what he says during the counselling session, he will continue to be the way he is because he knows you will put up with the abuse. After all, if you have put up with it for the last 11 years, why would he need to change? He may even see it as your problem and not his.
Talk to your family if you are close to them, or a very close friend and ask them for their support if you do decide to divorce your husband. You will need them to keep motivating you and reminding you why you want to change your life. You are still young and have plenty of time to look for someone who will treat you with respect and love. Take your time to get back on your feet and learn to love and respect yourself again and you will see that others will also respect you.
It’s not an easy decision and the road ahead will be unknown and at times difficult, but if you have lived thru the last 11 years, you can live and rise above anything in the future. I wish you the best.

I think my Dad is a pretty great one. He has always been supportive and loving and I am his stepdaughter technically, but he married my mom when I was 2 so he is the only Daddy in the world to me. He is a real man to me and I wish I could have found and married one like him. I married an emotional abuser at age 20 to which I am still married to 11 years later and in counseling.

Your dad sounds like a good example of what a man should be, not just for his wife but also his family and friends.
Getting married at 20 is very young and you’re most likely to be stuck to some one who you don’t really know that well. Your parents may or may not know what you’re going thru, but I would suggest having a heart to heart talk with them and tell them your experience so far, and look into getting a divorce. I am Catholic and don’t advocate divorce, but there are times when it is necessary for your own health and safety. It is not the easiest thing to do, emotionally and financially, but ask yourself if you want to spend another 11 years or more suffering more of the same that you have suffered over the last 11 years. I don’t think your husband will change any time soon as he has had 11 years to do it and no matter what he says during the counselling session, he will continue to be the way he is because he knows you will put up with the abuse. After all, if you have put up with it for the last 11 years, why would he need to change? He may even see it as your problem and not his.
Talk to your family if you are close to them, or a very close friend and ask them for their support if you do decide to divorce your husband. You will need them to keep motivating you and reminding you why you want to change your life. You are still young and have plenty of time to look for someone who will treat you with respect and love. Take your time to get back on your feet and learn to love and respect yourself again and you will see that others will also respect you.
It’s not an easy decision and the road ahead will be unknown and at times difficult, but if you have lived thru the last 11 years, you can live and rise above anything in the future. I wish you the best.

I posted this earlier in the family & relationships section; I would just like to get a more scientific opinion on the matter..

This will probably end up long, so don’t read if you don’t want to.

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27. He’s *usually* a charming, intelligent, and sweet guy as well as respectful. But in December, his step-father got injured and he has been taking care of his mother and step-father since neither can work. My boyfriend doesn’t make a lot of money as he is a waiter, but he’s been picking up double shifts and working full time.

I have been passing off a lot of his behavior due to the situation he’s been in, but I feel like it’s starting to become a crutch.

We got into an argument last week and I told him that if he wanted to be with me, he’d let me know. I spent the next 6 days hoping for at least a phone call and got nothing. He promised he’d be over after work at midnight when I got a text at 11:30 saying he couldn’t make it. I got so mad that finally he did come over and we talked.

I took responsibility for my actions but his apology was always "Yes, I’m wrong, but you’re wrong too" or "I"m sorry, but we BOTH need to do this" or "I’m willing to work on the relationship, but not by myself".

Never a straight apology from him without bringing me into the equation.

Whenever I see something that he didn’t see he tells me I’m wrong and then when I get visibly upset he tells me he was joking.

We have had sex, but not a lot though he tells me about how much sex he and his ex-fiance (6 years ago) used to have and how much sex he had when he was younger.

I am the fattest person he’s dated (I’m a size 9/10 at 5′3 which I know is chubby for my height, but I’m not morbidly obese), so I wonder if he finds me undesirable. I’m certainly not the prettiest girl either (though I don’t think I’m ugly and he used to tell me that I was beautiful).

He tells me he’s not a jealous person but got ridiculously upset this past weekend when I went out with a friend of mine who happens to be a guy. I didn’t do it to be malicious, but my boyfriend didn’t call me nor ask me to do anything and I just moved back to my homestate so I’m trying to make new friends.

I’m scared to leave because I’ve always felt like he was the one and he is a good compromiser, but as of late, I’m not seeing that good compromiser. He told me he’d work on stuff and that wasn’t even a week ago and he’s back to doing exactly what he said he would not do.

I’ve looked up some warning signs about emotional abusers online and while he fits some of them, he doesn’t fit all of them. He’s showing signs, but we’ve only been together six months, so I don’t know if this is just the situation with his mom and step-dad or if this is a red flag.

I don’t think he’s intentionally emotionally abusive, but it just seems like he’s turning into one. I guess I could be wrong though which is why I’m here.

Any suggestions?
What does it sound like to you?
Anyone else ever been in a similar situation? Does it start slowly?
Is he just being a jerk?
Could it be just the situation and should I give him some more time?

I’m really at a loss, I never thought we’d come to this…

I’ve seen him four times in 2 and a half months, I really don’t think I’m being emotionally abusive or trying to control him…

And I’m not demanding his attention. I hadn’t seen him in nearly a month and thought maybe he’d have time to make a phone call for me.

He does have days off…

Yes, this is emotional abuse, and it will almost definitely get worse. I’ve been in very similar situations and it never got better. My ex acted in much the same way. I know how hard it is to move on, but now is the time to cut your losses and let him go. If he wanted to be with you, he would really be with you, and not the way he is acting now. It is ridiculous to see as little of him as you do. He clearly has another life that doesn’t involve you, and he thinks he can just keep you hanging on as long as he wants. No matter what he says about trying to improve or caring about you but having other things to deal with, the fact of the matter is that if he loved you, he would be there for you, and he isn’t. When my ex and I had these problems, he kept telling me he needed to get his own life in order and that was why I wasn’t seeing much of him, and I would go long periods of time without hearing from him, then he would randomly call and expect me to drop whatever I was doing in that second to spend maybe an hour with him, and then I wouldn’t see him again for two weeks. In actuality, he was dating another girl but didn’t want to totally break it off with me in case things didn’t work out with her. Do yourself a favor and don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he can keep you hanging on a thread at his whim. Leave him before it gets worse.