AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

Help! I need some ’serious’ advice! My sister (29) met an emotional abuser 3 yrs ago. 2 days ago it finally came to a head. We finally saw eachother after 1 1/2 months (she lives 20 minutes away!? but is kept ‘busy’ by her boyfriend). He called about 10 times in the 4 hours we were together. I finally got fed up when he wouldn’t let up on the phone and let us spend time together. She decided to hand over the phone and I asked him why he was harrassing her so much and interfering with our ‘precious’ time. He proceeded to verbally abuse me and tell me off, when I told my sister everything he said, of course he denied it. I told her( and him) she could do better than to waste her life with an emotional abuser….Now unfortunately she is mad at me and won’t speak to me, he keeps threatening her that he’s gonna leave etc..I don’t feel bad for what I did, being a victim of such abuse I will not take that from anybody. I know all I can do is be here for her but I am very confused..?!

As hard as it may be you should just stay out of it. as long as she is not getting physically abused….if you try to interfere, it will make it harder for her, and take her longer to get up the courage to leave. but let her know that you are there for her, whatever her decision.

My boyfriend is an emotional abuser. In the past 2 years he has ignored me(and my feelings), I would touch him sometimes with no response, when I speak he would wrinkle up his nose and have disgust in his voice, he yells alot over things such as the laundry not done quite like he likes, i’ve seen road rage, and just recently i looked in computer history and he had made a new e-mail address that I wasn’t aware of. I confronted him, he lied. I made him open it in front of me, nothing there, but I’m sure he was PLANNING on using for something…….Now he is being really nice(a different person) for like the past 2 weeks). Can someone like this change without professional help??

No, this is part of the emotional abuse. An expert emotional abuser will do things like this to keep you hanging on in there. Here’s a good example: think of the kid who never gets anything from their parents. Then on Christmas Day, they see a huge box with their name on it under the tree and get excited (therefore happy). As they unwrap, they discover more and more boxes (kind of like Russian dolls) until they unwrap the last one. Inside, they find a lump of coal.

Emotional abusers do a more complex version of this. They get your hopes up to keep you interested, and then come right back with the bad old days just when you’ve been weakened by their "good side". It also provides you with a false sense of hope because you forever wait for that "golden moment" when they showed that they are in fact, a caring human being. It makes you forget that the majority of their treatment of you consists of sadness and pain. I would watch out. To sound less depressing, *sometimes* people do change, but this is extremely rare. However, because of this slight possibiity, I would wait and see what happens next, and take full advantage of this nice period while you still can. If he should turn back to how he was before, leave him before you lose yourself in this relationship!

My boyfriend is an emotional abuser. In the past 2 years he has ignored me(and my feelings), I would touch him sometimes with no response, when I speak he would wrinkle up his nose and have disgust in his voice, he yells alot over things such as the laundry not done quite like he likes, i’ve seen road rage, and just recently i looked in computer history and he had made a new e-mail address that I wasn’t aware of. I confronted him, he lied. I made him open it in front of me, nothing there, but I’m sure he was PLANNING on using for something…….Now he is being really nice(a different person) for like the past 2 weeks). Can someone like this change without professional help?

No an emotional abuser will not change without a lot of therapy. What is happening now is called "The honeymoon phase" getting you to let your guard down and feel kind hearted towards him again.

There is no way of knowing how long this will last but, it isn’t going to.

If the new email account wasn’t deleted it’s still waiting there to be used.

If you saw your best friend in the situation you are in what would your advice be to her?

You have to be good to yourself and be your own best friend. Above all else be brave enough to see the truth.

My ex emotionally abused me, however he always managed to manipulate the situation to make me feel as though it was my fault. I was wondering however, did he actually know that he was the one at fault in many situations? Or was he totally unaware?

Dear Emotionally Abused,

Welcome to the land of major mind games and head f—–g and they know what they do but will never ever take responsibility and make you the crazy one so they never have to take responsibility. Emotional abuse is what some people use to control others and force them to do what they want them to do…its very dangerous and destructive trap to get caught up in as and I strongly urge you to research and read as much as you can on the subject of emotional abuse and surviving emotional abuse. They don’t have an anger problem, the have a control problem and that’s is the way they were raised and they think that’s its normal and okay.

How much are you willing to put up with….you do not need to accommodate this behavior for it is one of the worst and most destructive situations which leaves no scars and hides behind closed doors. No matter what you do and how hard you try it will never be good enough….he has the problem not you, Your problem is like most women we are conditioned to accommodate men, its just a matter of how much you are prepared to put up with as it doesn’t get better unless you change your behavior. THey are extremely manipulative cunning sociapathic and narcissistic in their emotional conduct and expression….don’t get sucked in by the smooth talk and charm as beneath the mask this is what it is and it wont get better you must and there are many websites and books that will help you see the light and just as many therapists ready to help.

Hope that gives you a start

Kindest Regards
Miss Kris

Do emotional or psychological abusers ever end the relationship with their partner? Or do they just play mind games with you til you finally leave? My friends boyfriend is abusive to her. Not physically. When they fight, he says that he wants nothing to do with her and that he doesnt want to be together anymore. But at the end of the arguement, she asked him if he really didnt want to be with her and that she’ll leave him alone but he didnt say anything except that he needs time. Will an abuser ever end the relationship with their partner?

yes an abuser does sometimes leave the person they abused when they can’t win anymore and when they find someone else they can control.

Is it Possible for an Emotional Abuser/(abusive) person to change?
Can someone who is emotionally abusive change with "compassionate love" (killing with kindness", so to speak,) therapy with a psychiatrist and counseling, talking about their past and feelings and getting them to face their emotionally abusive past (as a child, teen, or in past relationships>either as the abuser or victim) and having support from a supportive caring friend/person? I know this person has anger issues…he needs anger management counseling; has had a rough rocky abusive childhood-he grew up watching his parents fight and argue which I believe he believes is the model for a good relationship. Can people like these ever truly heal and change? Anyone have any real experience or seen this happen?

I believe if this person is willing to try and change, willing to see a psychiatrist, and very open about his past, I believe it is definitely possible. If psychiatrists were useless, there wouldn’t be any. He needs to find one he is comfortable with and just open up about everything. If he isn’t willing to get any help, then I don’t see him changing.

Do emotional or psychological abusers ever end the relationship with their partner? Or do they just play mind games with you til you finally leave? My friends boyfriend is abusive to her. Not physically. When they fight, he says that he wants nothing to do with her and that he doesnt want to be together anymore. But at the end of the arguement, she asked him if he really didnt want to be with her and that she’ll leave him alone but he didnt say anything except that he needs time. Will an abuser ever end the relationship with their partner?

yes an abuser does sometimes leave the person they abused when they can’t win anymore and when they find someone else they can control.

Do emotional or psychological abusers ever end the relationship with their partner? Or do they just play mind games with you til you finally leave? My friends boyfriend is abusive to her. Not physically. When they fight, he says that he wants nothing to do with her and that he doesnt want to be together anymore. But at the end of the arguement, she asked him if he really didnt want to be with her and that she’ll leave him alone but he didnt say anything except that he needs time. Will an abuser ever end the relationship with their partner?

yes an abuser does sometimes leave the person they abused when they can’t win anymore and when they find someone else they can control.

How does a person go about becoming secure and mature enough to stop abusing their partner?

What is the process, how long does it take?

I believe they have to lose something for which they care very deeply. Some incredibly strong loss event like that will force them to see all kinds of things.

If this happens though and they don’t have anyone around to help them find it, there’s a chance they might not find it themselves and sink into a bottomless pit of despair… But, whether they find it themselves or have help finding it, they can get better.

Having come out of an emotionally abusive relationship I realise that the change from charming to controlling appeared subtle. So now of course I am afraid of talking to anyone in case they try to work their spell on me.

What are the warning signs to look for from the very first contact so that I can avoid ever being in this type of situation again? All advice greatly appreciated.

Oh, yes, can’t they just be the most gallant charmers.

You might want to take a look at the book The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker. (You can get it in paperback.) He explains it quite well. The warning signs, and how to pay attention to your intuition about people like that. We get in trouble most times because we refuse to pay attention to those nagging little intuitions we get about people.

I’m of the opinion that a little background check couldn’t hurt, either.

I wish you well.