AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

My girlfriend and I have always been opposed to alcohol shes 17 and im 18. She told me a while back that she drank a little hard alcohol with her friends. Didn’t get that bad but got a buzz. I kinda flipped on her like are you serious what were you thinking? She said i could understand if I drank as much as my friend but I only got a small buzz, etc.. I still was like whatever and told her I didn’t want her to do it anymore.. So lately we have been talking bout it and finally I just said screw it and said I didn’t care if she did it as long as she knew the risks and was careful. I haven’t had any alcohol abusers except my brother who drinks a lot but he doesn’t beat women or anything. Idk I think maybe its just the fact that I don’t wanna think I need a drink to make me enjoy like more… opinions?
even if I did want someone who felt how I did, I could never dump her. We have been going for almost 3 years and I’m completely crazy for her.

You are smart to stay away from it. My husband and I started drinking when we were about your age and I was able to stop. He wasn’t and is now a full blown alcoholic. You never know how it will affect you and the smart choice is to stay away from it. Especially if the disease runs in your family (your brother). You have every right to make this choice for yourself….the flip side is, so does your girlfriend. You need to decide if you are really okay with her decision or if your better off finding someone who feels like you do.

When I was 8 my mother had a baby with this guy, let’s call him "this guy", and they have been together ever since. I have watched my mother endure so much from this man from physical, emotional and verbal abuse to plain abandonment. Since I was 8 I haven’t told my mom that this man was making me take drugs and sexually abusing me. He raped me while she was gone and I had ran away because I didn’t know what to do. I came back home but I never told my mom because I saw her enduring her abuse and I couldn’t bare the possibility that she might not believe me. I stayed with her helping her take care of my brothers, she had four kids with this man. I have another brother and this guy physically abused him and taunted him calling him "gay" since he was a child. This guy is also a drug and alcohol abuser. I am now an adult and a mother myself but I have watched this man destroy my family.My mother suffers from depression and he has left her and the kids. He left them in a broken down home and refused to help them with bills plus taking their furniture and appliances from them and he even cut the cables from the washing machine so that she couldn’t watch her kids clothes. He doesn’t work either and if he does he works under the table so when she took him to court for child support he was only obliged to pay $180 dollars a month for all the kids. They live in Trinidad and he can’t go to the states because he owes her $30,000 of child support and if they find him he will be arrested. But he wont give her permission to leave to the states because it wouldn’t benefit him.

I want to tell my mother about everything but it’s because I want this guy to finally pay for all the wrong that he has done.The problem is that I think I waited too long and she might not believe me. I want his guy to pay and I want my mom and her kids to be free from him and I think this is the only way. If I go to court will my testimony even be formidable? Is there a way my mom can leave to the states? Will she be in danger of losing her other children if she tells all this?

They have never married but my mom hasn’t spoken bad of him because of her kids and she hasn’t told this in court because she’s afraid she might lose the kids.

This really must have deprived you of your childhood especially being eight when all of this has happened. And it doesn’t sound like you had a good relationship with your mother in the first place if you weren’t able to confide in her about something so grave at such a young age.I don’t know whether you can prove your allegations but if you can’t it’s your word against his. I know it’s not something you want to hear but you might have had a better opportunity to prevent the current situation if you had spoken up back then. It could have been with a teacher or another parent but it is perfectly understandable for a child who was robbed of his/her innocence to be confused and not know how to handle a situation like this. I’m a psychology student and from my personal opinion if you tell your mom now she might go into a deeper depression or possibly a breakdown and that wouldn’t be healthy for the children especially in a custody battle. I’m not condoning for you to keep your secret but I doubt now is the time. The best advice I can give is that you consult an attorney, update him/her on the past and present situation and have him/her find the best way of having this guy imprisoned without risking your mother’s chances of custody. The reason I say this is because your mother has also played a big role in endangering her children’s lives whether it be mental or physical.I truly in my heart hope that you and your family surpass this situation and that you obtain counseling for all of you.

Im 30 and until about 3 years ago, very mature. When I was 10, I lost 2 neighbors who I was very close to. After this, my family moved and I started in a new school where I was made fun of mercilessly. Same time, my brother became suicidal and depressed. My mom couldn’t cope well and my dad has never been very active in our lives or emotions, so I bottled em up and cried alone in the basement into the early hours of the morning until I started with obsessive praying (usually 4-5 hrs PER NIGHT). I blamed this for a long time on my emotional immaturity now.

Then I was stuck in the internet after years of the praying (until I couldnt take it anymore) and now I’m a 3rd yr dent student who has been abusing alcohol for all 3 years along with internet use. I blame the things that happened when I was younger but truth be told, I should be able to handle it. Dent school stresses me out like NO OTHER! So I drink and drink until I can get it out of my mind which now is about 6 drinks. The ave night brings me 4 drinks but I see it increasing and until 6 months ago, I could stop. Now I just can’t when I start and I can’t find solutions. I know it’s a problem for me and my husband… but I dont even have a desire to live without it in my life!

What can be done?

Perhaps you should seek professional help as a professional can give you more insight into exactly what is going on. Your life can be improved and you are not alone. Sometimes we have a way of complicating things for ourselves needlessly. At times we need to go back to the basics and take it from there. Eventually things fall into place.
You don`t have to be stuck or feel stuck anymore.

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c) both answers

C

I have heard that when people hit their rock bottom is when they seek help. I hope you are doing OK. Take Care.

If you or someone you know is a recovering alcoholic or drug abuser, I’d like to know what made you want to change your life. Was it an intervention, someone you know talking to you about it? Did you hit rock bottom? Did you just one day decide? I really want to help a family member with this problem and I’d like to understand the process. Right now, they have no desire to change.(or so it seems)

I’m a recovered alcoholic. I was never in denial about it, didn’t want to be an alcoholic, but it was the only thing that allowed me to live with my depression.

That nonsense about needing to "hit bottom" is just that, nonsense. That’s like something being in the last place you looked; of course it was, when you found it you quit looking. A person’s botton is wherever they were when they started going back up. I didn’t need to go as low as I did, and wouldn’t have if I had gotten the proper mental health help that I had been begging to get for years. And if I hadn’t gotten help when I did, I would have hit a lower bottom.

Over the years, I kept looking for help with depression, and I’d be sent to 12step groups with promises of mental health help at 3 months or 6 months, but I never get it and the depression was crippling. I’d become suicidal and return to drinking.

I couldn’t afford good help and for decades, I was too proud to go to Social Services. I finally did, then still had to fight tooth and nail to get the promised services, and once I did, drinking became a non-issue.

I now work in mental health and see this sort of thing often. According to NIMH, half of all alcoholics and up to 75% of all addicts have underlying an mental illness. Untreated, their chances of recovery are almost nil.

I know the difference between, well at least thought I did between alcoholism and a alcohol abuser. BUT what is the difference cause now after researching it … I am confused.

Symptoms of my friend that I am very worried about.

-drinking til’ blacking out
- drinking a 1/2 gallon in a week of hard liqour
- drinking a pint in a night
- tolerance is getting stronger
- doing stupid things and ruining friendships/ties
- money loss
- hiding it
- doing it and not being able to help themselves, because they need to be drunk to feel good about themselves
- drunk driving
- etc etc etc ..

the list can go on and on .. I am very worried about them and don’t know how to talk to them. How do i help?

You can’t really do anything until he decides to help his self.I know it sounds mean but he doesn’t want help yet,although i would do something about his drinking and driving.It would be terrible if he killed someone while driving drunk.

I have been a habitual alcohol abuser for a long time. This current binge of 1 pint of whiskey and 7 beers every night for the last 5 months needs to end but I am afraid of Delirium Tremens. Any suggestions? Thank you.

As a nurse my recommendation would be that you need to be admitted to the hospital to do this. With your alcohol history you are at high risk of having withdrawl seizures. In my opinion alcohol withdrawls are probably the worst drug to come off of. It is NOT something you should attempt on your own. Most hospitals have a protocol with specific orders to assist you with these symptoms. A dose range of tranquilizers like ativan or librium will be used over a period of 2-4 days that will minimize DT’s and seizures. After you are considered "medically stable" you will need to get into an outpatient recovery program. Good luck and I hope this helps.

I’ve basically been planning my mom’s death for 5 years. she’s a severe drug and alcohol abuser. I’m not looking for suggestions as to how to get her help, or what to say to make her change…because I’ve done absolutely everything. I’ve called the police on her, checked her into rehab clinics dozens of times, poured my heart out to her. She has lost both of her children (my sister and I) to child protective services and this has not done anything to make her stop. All I’m asking is for someone to help me find a way to cope with this feeling. This past weekend, she’s given off a real vibe that I’ve never seen before. Very disconnected from everyone, distant, and quiet while she usually makes a note of being outgoing and doing anything to cover up the fact that she’s a depressed drunk. She told her neighbour that her "days are numbered"…..how am I supposed to deal with this? I don’t live with her, so I can’t monitor her actions. Does anyone have any words of advice?

Even if you know its futile, call whoever you can to get her help. This is not for her, it is for you. She may not make it from what you say. But if you do what you can, you help prevent yourself from feeling guilty when she passes away.

Try throwing yourself into work, school, excercise, or a hobby…and if possible latch onto any friendly people you can, spend time with them.

I just want to say that you must be a pretty strong person to have coped with it this long.

I am a person who thinks he is a borderline alcoholic and have learned of a product that I can take to make an abuser feel very ill if alcohol is introduced into the system. Does anyone know the name of the product and if I need a prescription. Thank you in advance

I was where you are about 4 years ago. It’s good that you are aware of the problem and are trying to do something about it. I’m not a big believer in drugs to cure a mental disorder (sorry, but drinking is a mental disorder), so I’m going to recommend something far more effective… mood therapy or cognitive therapy. Chances are, there’s a reason behind the drinking, and it will only get worse if the reason isn’t addressed. Once I mastered cognitive therapy, the desire to drink vanished. Get this book: "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns, MD. It can be a life saver… it definitely saved mine.