AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

My grandson was abused by his father and the father was just let off on Reckless Endangerment. Now he is wanting to see his son and I have to hand him over. I will never be able to hand my precious grandson over to him, knowing what he did. I need to know how to go about fleeing with my grandson and going underground. Someone please help.

Who actually has custody of this child? The only way you can try to protect your grandson is to get the mother involved (if there is one, if you are the legal guardian you can do it) to get a restraining order and work with an attorney to get the father declared unfit in court. You can also contact the division of family service (Child protective services) and ask them for suggestions. I don’t know what state you are in, but many do not have any Grandparents’ rights. If you take your grandson, you WILL be caught and you will go to jail for a very long time for a multitude of crimes, including, but not limited to kidnapping (Federal charges, because I’m sure you are talking about crossing state lines). Then you will NEVER see your grandson again. Contact an attorney!!! "Underground" is no way for anyone to live, much less a child that you allege you care about!!!

- Those individuals are mentally sick so (chemically) castrating them will not make a difference.
- Steroids can replace their natural testosterone production.
- Punishments have to be equal regardless of gender. Do you propose we cut open women and remove their ovaries?
- What if it is later found the punished was innocent?

I agree with you- if men are to be castrated, what would be the equal punishment for women who commit the same types of crimes? And it is cruel and unusual (and therefore unethical) to punish a mentally ill person in such ways. Nor is it an effective deterrent for the commission of further acts of violence. In fact, it would likely increase the likelihood of violence. (My opinion.) Castrating someone will not take away this person’s aggressive impulses…these impulses will just be carried out in other ways.

I’ve heard many people say that it is the victims fault for choosing to stay in the relationship. Why is it not the abusers fault for choosing to abuse?

It is the abuser’s fault. Blaming the victim is wrong.

However, what I really think most people (I know there are a few idiots who don’t really think like this) mean sometimes is why would you stay if it’s a repeated pattern? There was a big news story around here fairly recently that was pretty much the textbook husband-abuses-wife story. He became controlling, cut off contact with her friends, would apologize and say he’d never do it again when she threatened to leave, etc. People started noticing bruises on her and before long questions started to be asked. She blew them off at first and then eventually told some people what was really happening. Literally dozens of people told her they’d help her out if she left him. What did she do? She stayed. Eventually he went too far and beat her up so bad she died from her injuries. There were no kids involved to keep her there either.

Did she deserve any of it? No of course not. Ultimately it was the husband’s fault. I hate to say this especially considering she’s dead from him now, but all accounts point to the fact she just didn’t have good sense. She had every opportunity to leave and didn’t take a single one of them. Blaming her is wrong, but she could easily still be alive today. This, I think, is what most people are meaning when they bring up "why didn’t she leave?" comments. Sometimes people really aren’t in a position to leave, and of course there are instances where the abused is killed too fast to notice a pattern. But often there are plenty of chances to get out of the situation.

I just got a status update report from the credit and collections company that I work with. I reported several people who owe money to my corporation a few months ago. One person is listed as "possible credit abuser."
What does this term mean?
Serious answers please. I would prefer to hear from people either in the business of collections or credit reporting.

Thanks!

The term "possible credit abuser" refers to someone who may do any of the following: (1) May be routinely late on payments, (2) May get credit cards and run them up to the limit, (3) May have too many credit obligations as compared to their income — like a house payment, two car payments, and several credit cards where the monthly payments exceed half their gross income. This is in contrast to someone who is listed as a "credit risk" because those people usually have repossessions and/or foreclosures on their record, or they usually have credit obligations that have been referred to collections agencies.

completely different when with other people….he was absolutely mature.
he acted like a child, like pervert…very absurd sometimes.yet, absolutely normal when in front of the others.

it is easy to act your way through for a time,when alone or indoors your true self always comes out.Thats the way of all people good and bad,he happens to be a bad one and his true self is not nice to be around.You say can be? so your still there,you need to leave if hes not good to be around hun.

Some people say that it’s almost always the man abusing the woman or, at worst, it’s a "mutual combatant" situation but what’s been your personal experience in working with this area of the law? Have you seen any good websites on this issue?

http://www.glennsacks.com/4_feminists_myths.htm

This one looked pretty interesting. I ran a Yahoo search under female initiated domestic violence, and got several bibliographies as well. You may want to check them out.

The reality is that the majority of domestic violence against men by their female partners has been underreported until very recently. Think about it. If you were a guy, would you want the world to know that your wife beats you up?

It’s also important to bear in mind, even though this question deals with domestic violence, that there are many other forms of abuse, such as mental and emotional abuse, that are more common among femal aggressors than male. This also tips the stereotypical scales.

or do you believe once an abuser always an abuser?

it’s hard but i think it can be done…she/he has to see that there is something wrong in their thought pattern and behavior and then they need to actively work on it everyday of their lives…and support from loved ones is a must constantly…the thoughts and temptation may never leave their mind, but the behavior can very well be controlled…it can be done, it needs strength and constant love and support

This concerns a long term abuse by a parent. How does an adult heal from that once and for all, and let it go?

Once you are out of the house you pretty much chalk it up to the bad luck of the draw for having such an nitwit for a parent. Cut them out of your life and get on with yours. If you let them destroy the rest of your life, they win.

There is lots of questions about victims of abuse, but I want to know about the other side. Is it possible that the abuser (physical or emotional) really "loves" his victim, or does he/she just love the power?

It depends on what you classify love as. The problem with abusers is that they DON’T KNOW how to love in the pure selfless sense that we perceive as socially/morally acceptable. They have deep set insecurities that prevent them from loving others, simply because they don’t love themselves.

Why is it important for victims to confront their abuser? Or IS it important?
Say for example victims of physical child abuse. Once they become an adult, should they confront that parent?

I think it depends on the person whether or not to confront their abuser.Some say it is good for the healing process,but there is also other ways you can do this,such as writing a letter to the person and tell them how they made you feel and how it affected your life,ect,you do not have to send the letter if you do not want,as long as those feelings get out,cause holding on to such feelings can create more stress for you.