AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

I am reading a great book called "When "I love you" turns violent". Although the book is geared towards strong physical abuse it still has helped point out some of the undertones of verbal and emotional abuse. I have noticed some of those flaws with in myself and would like to correct them so I can have a healthy relationship. Any books or helpful advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Understanding who you are and why you do the things you do will help you in understanding who others are and why they do the things they do.
In my "mid life crises" I found two books one on communication I’m Ok, Your Ok. for learning to discus vice fight. It also explains the games others play to control your responses.
The other is "Born to Win with Gestalt Experiments". This book allowed me to understand why I made the decisions I did in my life. Why I became who I was and allowed me to chose what I wanted to be and how I wanted to respond.
I have shared these books with many and have seen lights come on in many eyes. Grow together and strengthen the bond. Find that love of a life time by loving yourself first.

Is the information you give just taken then filed away somewhere or does someone actually put some time into investigating it? If so, what exactly does that involve?

Serious answers are appreciated.

I would hope it’s taken seriously!! But that’s something you’ll never know, unless your the one abusing the system and get caught. Either way, if you know of someone abusing it, you need to report it.

Will a judge award alimony to a spouse that is a know drug abuser and someone who has been unemployed an entire marriage by falsely claiming disability, when the spouse was perfectly capable of being employed, but would rather abuse drugs?

well I guess alimony is for "spousal support" so I’m guessing, legally it’s their term of how the alimony is being used.

… acknowledged all wrongdoing, how does he live with what he has done? For the abuser who recognizes what he has done, it’s more than just about physically hurting someone. It’s guilt over the mental damage too. Owning up to it has been done. Confession has occurred but not helped. This former abuser is in pain over what he did daily. He might eventually kill himself or suffer a brain aneurysm from the stress. If he can’t seek professional help, how can he help himself? No religious responses please.

Forgiveness is giving up the right to punish.

Confessions don’t work if you’re still blaming yourself and/or hold onto the need to be punished. (Don’t forget the meaning of forgiveness).

There’s no such thing as a former abuser. This is something that needs constant work. Work on yourself and put your energies into getting better and being a better person.

Guilt isn’t doing a thing for you but holding you back, allowing you to blame yourself, and keep you down.

Forgiveness and life is looking up! If the abused can forgive you, surely, you can forgive yourself. Stop the punishment.

When I hear he is dating, it makes me mad and i feel bitter towards him. Does this mean I am in still in love with him or just jealous because he wouldn’t take me out and wine and dine me when we were married?

Depending on how long you were married and how long you’ve been divorced, this is all normal. Just because you divorce a person doesn’t mean you automatically fall out fo love with them. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you because you know that even though you love them, it’s not healthy to stay…like in your case.

In time, you will grow to understand that you did what was best. And no matter what he does for another woman, it won’t erase the scars of what his abusive behavior did to you. Once you have truly moved on with your life, you’ll begin to care less and less.

My girlfriend told me how she was emotionaly and physically abused by her mother as a child. She is still expected through family pressure and and wanting to protect her younger brother to come in regular contact with her mother and sometimes it turns rather mentaly and physically violent. So, I want to know the beest way to be supportive of her while coming in contact with the women that caused the women I love so much harm and pain?

Everybody here has written useful suggestions.
What I add is this: Your girlfriend was defenseless as a child.
With you and with friends far away from "home" she may be open, relaxed, fun loving and mature, but "home" again she may feel hurt and aggressive and she may feel and even act like the 10-years old he was once. She might "shrivel" psychologically. She may not act here real age.
If that is the case: remind here of that real age. Tell here something like: "You are free now, you are xx years old, you have me here to support you."
For lots of people under stress, who fall back to childhood patterns of feeling and behaviour it’s useful to be reminded or to remind themselves of their real age.
Love and accept her, even though she may act very nasty and "ungrateful" towards you there.

My girlfriend told me how she was emotionaly and physically abused by her mother as a child. She is still expected through family pressure and and wanting to protect her younger brother to come in regular contact with her mother and sometimes it turns rather mentaly and physically violent. So, I want to know the beest way to be supportive of her while coming in contact with the women that caused the women I love so much harm and pain?

Everybody here has written useful suggestions.
What I add is this: Your girlfriend was defenseless as a child.
With you and with friends far away from "home" she may be open, relaxed, fun loving and mature, but "home" again she may feel hurt and aggressive and she may feel and even act like the 10-years old he was once. She might "shrivel" psychologically. She may not act here real age.
If that is the case: remind here of that real age. Tell here something like: "You are free now, you are xx years old, you have me here to support you."
For lots of people under stress, who fall back to childhood patterns of feeling and behaviour it’s useful to be reminded or to remind themselves of their real age.
Love and accept her, even though she may act very nasty and "ungrateful" towards you there.

Let’s say they’ve undergone mental changes that have brought them to the realization that they want to change, they’ve learned from the past, and aim to be conscientious of any future behavior that might be interpreted as abusive. Should the person disclose their history as an abuser to a new partner? Would honesty outweigh the possibility of destroying any chance with the new love of their life?

How would you feel if a partner told you that they had physically, emotionally, and/or verbally abused a significant other in the past?

Depending on the type of abuse, you may be listed as a sexual offender and therefore your partner could find out without your consent or knowledge.

Do I think you should be obligated to tell? Not unless you have a realistic suspicion that you may abuse your new partner. Though the better solution would be to get enough help to feel confident that you will not abuse your partner!

If I were the reformed abuser, I think I would tell. If a potential partner doesn’t believe in reform I would want nothing to do with them. On the other hand, since I have never abused anyone, I don’t know if my mind would change if I actually were in the situation.

If I were in a relationship with a reformed abuser, I would want to know because I would want to know all important parts of my partner’s history. However, I do not have the right or privilege to know; I merely have the desire.

I was molested as a child and want to find and prosecute my abuser. I was 5 years old and it is time to deal with it. I am not obsessed with this but would like to do the right thing. I want to be sure I do something about it because I truly believe in my heart I was not the only one. He was a married tenant who lived upstairs in my parent’s home. Were should I start. I have no idea where he is.

It seems very likely in my mind that you’ve waited too long to initiate prosecution. In California (and perhaps other states), the statutes of limitation may be tolled for certain child abuse cases, but if so, prosecution must still begin within some amount of time, depending on the circumstances.

I’m surprised that someone with a Yahoo user name of two_eighty_eight does not know that statutes of limitations most certainly *do* apply in criminal cases in this state.

Having said all that, you have really only one course of action. Do NOT attempt to locate this person yourself, to begin with. If the crime is too old to prosecute in your state anyway, you will have wasted your time. Also, if you find them and they know you’ve found them, you’re running the risk of letting them know you’ve been looking for them…and why would you be doing that, they’ll wonder.

So the thing you need to do is contact the law enforcement agency who has jurisdiction over the location the abuse took place. If you no longer live there and cannot get there, call them and discuss the situation with an officer or an investigator. If the offense(s) may still be prosecuted, ask the officer or investigator what they’d like you to do next. Some agencies may be able to come to you, others may ask your now-local agency to take a "courtesy report" for them, and still others may take the bulk of the report from you over the phone.

Let me repeat this:

Do NOT try to find this person on your own.

IMMEDIATELY contact the agency with jurisdiction over the location where the abuse took place.

Sorry for the caps, but this is very important. Every single day that passes is another day closer to a legal prohibition against prosecution, if it’s not already prohibited. Don’t take the chance, call the coppers today.

I was molested as a child and want to find and prosecute my abuser. I was 5 years old and it is time to deal with it. I am not obsessed with this but would like to do the right thing. I want to be sure I do something about it because I truly believe in my heart I was not the only one. He was a married tenant who lived upstairs in my parent’s home. Were should I start. I have no idea where he is.

It seems very likely in my mind that you’ve waited too long to initiate prosecution. In California (and perhaps other states), the statutes of limitation may be tolled for certain child abuse cases, but if so, prosecution must still begin within some amount of time, depending on the circumstances.

I’m surprised that someone with a Yahoo user name of two_eighty_eight does not know that statutes of limitations most certainly *do* apply in criminal cases in this state.

Having said all that, you have really only one course of action. Do NOT attempt to locate this person yourself, to begin with. If the crime is too old to prosecute in your state anyway, you will have wasted your time. Also, if you find them and they know you’ve found them, you’re running the risk of letting them know you’ve been looking for them…and why would you be doing that, they’ll wonder.

So the thing you need to do is contact the law enforcement agency who has jurisdiction over the location the abuse took place. If you no longer live there and cannot get there, call them and discuss the situation with an officer or an investigator. If the offense(s) may still be prosecuted, ask the officer or investigator what they’d like you to do next. Some agencies may be able to come to you, others may ask your now-local agency to take a "courtesy report" for them, and still others may take the bulk of the report from you over the phone.

Let me repeat this:

Do NOT try to find this person on your own.

IMMEDIATELY contact the agency with jurisdiction over the location where the abuse took place.

Sorry for the caps, but this is very important. Every single day that passes is another day closer to a legal prohibition against prosecution, if it’s not already prohibited. Don’t take the chance, call the coppers today.