AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

Why do people who where abused tend to be abuser and why do teen mothers children make the same mistake as their mothers.

They’re both relevant.

Interracial marriage is relevant due to the social forces that proscribe it, and the movements that have worked to change that over time.

Abuse – and its relationship to a family history of being a victim of abuse – also depends on social forces impacting on individual decisions.

i am a victim and product of sexual abuse and was wondering if the types of thoughts i was having normal for me under these condtions and what are some prevenative measures i can take to ensur that i dont be come one

The best thing you can do to heal yourself is to get into some type of counseling. Most communities have free mental health services. They will help you to work through the trauma and give you the tools to ensure you have a healthy future. There are many things that can happen to people that have been abused. They range from possibly being abusers, to being promiscuous, to substance abuse. I understand that you don’t want to become one and, i feel, the best thing you could do to prevent that would be to work with a counselor to overcome what happened to you.

I am writing an essay on child abuse for my criminology class, and I know that its typical for child abusers to have suffered from child abuse themselves. I just can’t find any reasons why that is.
to "no real help": Thanks for the opinion, but this essay isn’t so much based on opinions, but more on the facts. I obviously have my own opinions on why things are the way they are, but that doesn’t make them right. There are neurological reasons why adults who were abused as children become abusers towards there own children.

My opinion, they aren’t smart enough to figure out that they don’t have to do what was done to them; or they figure since their childhood was "Hell," they’re going to be vindictive and take it out on their kids and make their lives "Hell."

Usually, it’s because it’s what they learned as kids, that this is how you raise a child; by treating them this way or that…again, they aren’t smart enough to figure out that they don’t have to do what was done to them.

It’s like so many other things…people just aren’t smart enough to think for themselves. [ahem]

My "opinion," although it is editorialized, is based on what I grew up with and how it was explained in therapy.

Why should all men be tarred with the same brush… as rapists and abusers? Obviously I’m sure no feminist except for the most extreme of the extreme believes that all men are rapists and abusers, but doesn’t this kind of language nonetheless associate rape and abuse with men?

Well GIGI those figures are off, the idea that abuse is something that men generally do and that women generally do not has been generated by one sided studies and the destigmatising of victims of one gender only.

Domestic abuse at least 50/50 M/F- over 200 studies here
http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm

Child victims of sexual abuse with F perp reports up by 132% during 2004-5 (but still massively undereported and under investigated).

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8347589.stm

Its already known that women are murdering and physically abusing children more often than men. So this whole stereotyping of one social group as abusers and another as victims for political gain racket is on its last legs.

Can you guys help me find primary sources?

and what would be a good counter argument?

please and thank you

I love this subject!

The answer is no, but there are so many cases when they do. i guess it depends on the environment of which the child grows up in and whether they can learn to understand what happened to them was wrong and not the norm.

Good luck with you research

You hear of this so often and of course, not all abused individuals turn out to be molesters or abusers themselves. I myself was abused as a child and I have so much compassion for my own children and others that the thought would never cross my mind to put another person through what I went through. I just don’t understand how some turn out that way?
I can see as a child, one might think this behaviour is normal, but as an adult to think it is normal and do it to their own child or any other is no excuse. As an adult, we know right from wrong!

This is a difficult question to answer thoroughly, and I won’t attempt a complete answer, but there is another prevalent dynamic beyond just the misperception that the abuse is normal or permissable and the fact that an abused child often lacks options or healthy role models. People who were abused had their power completely stripped from them and were made to feel helpless and powerless and by abusing a weaker victim they are often attempting to balance the scales, so to speak, and achieve some sense of control and power. Most often the original abuser is either very powerful or perceived as such and retaliation against them was not possible or safe and the child has to contain tremendous unexpressed rage in order to survive. Repressed or dissociated anger usually ends up going in one of two directions-turned inward into self-abuse (depression, in Freudian terms) or directed outwardly towards others. They don’t learn how to regulate anger normally so often even small slights are blown out of proportion and trigger uncontrolled rages-a minor irritation is fed by deep pools of unexpressed rage. Further, a defense mechanism known as splitting occurs and the child grows to see the world in black and white terms-victim or perpetrator. in order to avoid being victimized, they become perpetrators, as those are the only roles they see available. (Splitting occurs most in early experiences when abuse is perpetrated on a dependent child by a caretaker-the child splits the caretaker into the good and bad caretaker in order to preserve their attachment to the perp whom they depend on for basic survival). This is very general and it’s more complicated than that, but that’s the essence of it.
In some cases of extreme and repeated abuse, the child internalizes the abuser (both good and bad aspects) and dissociates these aspects into separate personality fragments which actually function without the other’s knowledge. These internalized perps usually continue to perpetrate onto the weaker self (in cases of dissociated self-mutilation) or onto other weaker targets and it’s possible that one part of the self has no knowledge that another part is behaving as a perpetrator.
Hope this helps explain a little of the dynamics of why abused kids may abuse others. It isn’t meant as a justification, just an explanation.

I am just trying to convince a friend to get out of an abusive relatonship.

Abuse is a complex mental disorder. I struggle with it too. I am on my way out of my second abusive relationship. The intensity is part of the problem. It fluctuates between intensly loving and violent and abusive. The intensity is what keeps us there. I believe that I am running away from my soul mate. I believe that I am being too judgemental and not allowing him the opportunity to make mistakes. I blame myself for the abuse. If I was more emotionally available, neater, had more money, complained less, etc; I always believe that I can do something to change his behavior. It is an illness. At this point I am almost disabled. It has been years since I have been allowed to make even the smallest of decisions. I almost don’t know how now. I am scared to death to make a wrong decision. My self esteem and confidence have been bashed so low, for so long………I actually believe I am just a nuisance. I am lucky. My mother is a nurse and has helped me to see what is going on. I am planning a secret escape, but it has been years. I didn’t see it, I didn’t believe it, I just wasn’t ready.
My mother handed me a list of symptoms of an emotionally abusive relationship. I highlighted all the ones I could relate to….27 out of 30. It was a real eye opener.
You will never convince her until she is ready to see it herself. Stand your ground, educate her, and stand by her. Don’t be threatening or controlling, that is what she needs to get away from. Just make sure she knows that you will help her get out when SHE is ready.

I was sexually molested by my biological father, and i know that sometimes the abuser becomes the abused, and i am just afraid that i may follow those footsteps! I am just scraed to death. i am a 20 year old female, i have been in a serious with my current bf for 4 years, and i am kinda just scared to have kids. I mean i’ve got it coming at me from two sides, my genteics, and statistcs saying that abused sometimes becomes the abuser. I mean, if i hadn’t stopped him, i would have been raped, so i know i did good, and i would never want anyone to go through this……..i guess i am …well……this is just always in the back of my mind. u know? does anyone relate?

I’m sorry what has happened to you truly, but due to the fact that you were molested by your father does not mean you yourself will go ont to become an abuser….i have a close friend who was also abused by their father and what they did they turned this unfortunate incident around and used it to their own benefit they were determined that they would never follow in their father’s foot steps, and became stronger through it…even when we are born we are born as individuals we do not have to take on the traits of our parents because we come from them…..i don’t actually believe you will turn out like your father, because posting this question shows everyone that you are aware of the fact that you don’t want to go down that road, that message is so clear here….you have a good heart and that is so clear to see, and all credit to yourself for still remaining so level headed in all of this…see this as your time now, to work on yourself whether that be through counselling or some kind of talking therapy, but air your feelings to keep your awareness that what happened to you is plain wrong, and it shouldn’t happen to anyone. I wish you get all the help you can to help you to move forward in your life.

I want to know if it is true that like if your parents are racist then you will be racist, if you are malested then you will become a malester. Is all of this true. what is this process called. Is it the family cycle?

my parents are very closed minded people when it comes to minority groups… i am in no way like that. when it comes to people that have been abused… i guess it’s possible.. but some people could have had a great childhood and still be abusers… a lot of different factors come into it…

I was sexually molested by my biological father, and i know that sometimes the abuser becomes the abused, and i am just afraid that i may follow those footsteps! I am just scraed to death. i am a 20 year old female, i have been in a serious with my current bf for 4 years, and i am kinda just scared to have kids. I mean i’ve got it coming at me from two sides, my genteics, and statistcs saying that abused sometimes becomes the abuser. I mean, if i hadn’t stopped him, i would have been raped, so i know i did good, and i would never want anyone to go through this……..i guess i am …well……this is just always in the back of my mind. u know? does anyone relate?

I’m sorry what has happened to you truly, but due to the fact that you were molested by your father does not mean you yourself will go ont to become an abuser….i have a close friend who was also abused by their father and what they did they turned this unfortunate incident around and used it to their own benefit they were determined that they would never follow in their father’s foot steps, and became stronger through it…even when we are born we are born as individuals we do not have to take on the traits of our parents because we come from them…..i don’t actually believe you will turn out like your father, because posting this question shows everyone that you are aware of the fact that you don’t want to go down that road, that message is so clear here….you have a good heart and that is so clear to see, and all credit to yourself for still remaining so level headed in all of this…see this as your time now, to work on yourself whether that be through counselling or some kind of talking therapy, but air your feelings to keep your awareness that what happened to you is plain wrong, and it shouldn’t happen to anyone. I wish you get all the help you can to help you to move forward in your life.