AbusersAnon.com – A help centre for domestic abusers

Saying that they did not say certain things?
Saying that they did not do certain things?
Like for example they did not thow an object that they set it down?
Using as soft and fake voice?
Asking for forgiveness?
Telling someone to put thing in the past and forget about them?

Saying it is not abuse because they did not strike the person?
Telling the person that they should not be affraid there is nothing to be affraid of?

Having rage that boils over to the point that the where the person is shaking and the person is grinding his teeth.

Blaming others for his problems. Saying he needs things and then not doing them to help himself.

Threating to lie in the future so it does not cause conflict.

Please tell me which if any of these are patterns of abusers. Please do not number them. Just say which one if any.

I am trying to understand abuse that is not the typical beating or physical kind.

Any help in understanding this would be great.
********He says it is my fault because I verbally pushed him to the edge.**********

No I do not live with him. He has a key to my home however. I am trying to end this thing. He is ambivolent and sort of wants to keep me and kind of does not at the same time. He says I am really sweet, but on the other hand I reminded him of his mom this time.******** I was just trying to communicate, but I set of some sort of land mine in him******* There are some land mines I do not know where they are he comes from a very phycically violent extended family and wants to leave that behind him. It is full of punching strangling and hair pulling. A gun was once pulled, but no one was killed. I was not concerned because he said he wanted to leave that behind and was concenred about me being violent. I am nothing of the sort. Perhaps that was a smoke screen to fool me in retrospect.********
***********I used to love him. I still have enough of my self intact. This is my 2nd abusive relationship in my life. This one snuck up on me. I am just trying to understand it. He keeps calling me and confusing me. I have my own place. I just need to secure my place from him**********
Oh there has been all this body image stuff about how fat and weak I am. I was recently punished by not being allowed to go to a wedding I was really looking forward to. That was the begininning of the end. I am sick and I am told to walk faster all the time when I cannot. Then I am told how sick and incapable I am then I am not alllowd leway and compassion for it. I get the worst of both worlds. His friends get to bash on me and tell me I am letting myself go. I have told him goodbye and to have a goodlife because he gave me an utimatum to deal with him or leave. Then he told me not to say goodbye. He hates it when I tell him I am scared of him because he wants to think of himself as the nice kind guy and not the scarry guy.
I am scared of him. my dog is scared of him. My dog has hidden when he has seen his rage.
My dog is not a fearful dog and does not hide. I have had my dog his full life and he has not been abused. He is a very confident dog.
Moving is not an option.

This guy has an anger and rage problem. Yes, he is emotionally and verbally abusing you. He is currently using objects to throw around instead of you. Take it from me, if you don’t get rid of him, you’re next. And yes, he can hurt your dog.

Or do u feel it is quite natural??Do u feel that such a personal may become a child abuser or a rapist in the future??

People that think that masturbation and porn are wrong are the ones that are insane, not you.

of abuse within the Catholic Church. I am reading two types of answer. One is the fact of other abuse cases and who is responsible ….ie statistical information regarding carers, teachers etc. Some are pointing out that it is only a small proportion of Catholic clergy who abused and the last kind of answer is the hate the Catholic Church.

Let’s focus for a moment on the reports that have come out over the last few months and not make trite comments about numbers. What do you feel about the legal system not pursuing the abusers and bringing to justice.? Would we be sanguine in the case of war criminals.

I put the argument having come through the system as a child that for every abuse documented there are treble the number who were abused in some way or another.

My point here is that no one so far that I can see has addressed the following problems

1. The abuse occurred and left many damaged and stole childhoods.
2. Other members of the church at the time knew and did nothing to protect the victims.
3. Rome was involved in the cover up at the time.
4. Financially the Church has not paid out much in real terms and the government in Ireland will foot the larger part of the bill. They too are culpable.
5. One person even mentioned false claims….perhaps so but to use this as an argument for those who are genuine not to receive justice is wrong. In every hideous situation there are opportunists.
6. Lack of prosecutions of the perpetrators.

Now these are all pertinent to the Catholic Church and the victims. It is too easy to drift off and generalize with numbers and statistics. But to me one childhood lost and in a perverse way condoned at a high level of the church is wrong.

I will be bawled out no doubt by loyal members of teh church but I care not becasue I see first hand on a daily basis the legacy left.

I completely agree with you. I think this shows that the dominant sector of the Church hierarchy is much more concerned with credibility and power than with truth and justice.

I am doing a power point presentation on animal abuse and I want to include the consequences people get for abusing, and killing, animals. Thank you all so much.

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Usually it’s a fine or less then a year in jail for abuse. For killing an animal it depends. If it was tortured see the first answer, if it was killed and it was on your land and it belonged to someone the cost of the animal to be replaced. If it was wild there is no penalty as long you just kill it and don’t torture it. If it is your animal and you shoot or otherwise kill it quickly then their is no penalty. (Tennessee) Killing a police Dog is a felony in most states.

you have some that do, how do they feel now that they are doing the same thing they said they wouldn’t do. I also would like to know how does the one feels that started the cycle of abuse, do they sit back and say look what I did and are proud of themselves or do they feel guilty. say for example it’s the grandmother, mother, and granddaughter they all are abuser How do they feel about one another?

generally people accept as normal the things they are raised with, and you don’t start a cycle of abuse because you think its the wrong thing to do. often abusers are deeply in denial that they have a problem. if they admit there is a problem then they have to accept the rage against the person that abused them, and the guilt of abusing the next person in the chain.

regarding change:
breaking any cycle – even a bad one – can feel bad as well as good. some people feel guilty, or even start to miss the comfort of a familiar cycle.

And what were the emotional and mental effects soon after leaving the abuser? How long did it take to heal and believe/trust another man again?

To date someone else was about 1 year I wanted to be alone as far as living by myself had a few dates such as a party type or with some friends never alone 1on 1.

My mental and emotional feelings @ the time was every man was a loser, a cheater, a drunk, a abuser of drugs and used women for their beating bags or to put down with each breath they took in the presents of a female.I hated this person wanted to kill his entire family all @ the same time if any or all came near me.

To heal takes time for some years others months some days,weeks for me several months once I knew this person was out of my life and away from me and NEVER to be seen again I started to relax and start to live MY life again Got a job never had with the person had my own money and could do as I wanted .Felt so Good Too.Took around 1 year for me to really date and find happiness but did and now have a wonderful hubby for 7 yrs now and NO abuse what so ever….

Our family physician prescribed Xanax for my mom’s tension and panic attacks. Lately, I’ve noticed that she’s taking in more than what’s required. Is my mom a drug abuser? Does she need treatment?

If your mom’s consuming more Xanax than what’s prescribed by the doctor, then she may be abusing it. Although Xanax has beneficial effects, over consumption of it also has negative effects. I think it’s time to intervene with your mother. I’ll post some sites where you can find tips for intervention and lists of rehabs that may provide treatment.

I am doing a power point presentation on animal abuse and I want to include the consequences people get for abusing, and killing, animals. Thank you all so much.

♥

Not bad enough. People rarely get jail time – sentences are usually good behaviour bonds and fines (in Australia I know of only as Im Aussie).

Trust me – if more of these bastards got jail time you wouldnt see animal abuse so wide spread. And you wouldnt have these twisted little f-ks growing up to torture and abuse children or other humans.

Check on RSPCA or ASPCA websites for more info for your presentation. Also here is a link for ya

Please list in order of severity with the first being the absolute worst.

Please do not list illegal qualities such as being a physical abuser.

I will post my own personal list in response to the best answer.

Spending my money, throwing out my alcohol, and nagging non stop.

What is Stockholm Syndrome?

It’s symptoms.

How is showing affection for the abuser a bad thing? If this person think that his abuser had a troubled past. Or a mental problem then shows sympathy for him, how is that mental illness.

And last question. If this is treatable, tell me how this disorder gets treated. If it’s therapy or rehabilitation, please explain what therapists might do

Isolation – Help the client identify sources of supportive intervention; Self-help groups or group therapy (group needs to be homogeneous to needs), also hot lines, crisis centers, shelters and friends.
Violence – As victims in abusive relationships minimize the abuse, or are in so much denial it may be necessary to ask directly about the different types of violent behavior. Many woman (and children) are confused about what is acceptable male (parental / authority) behavior. Journal keeping, autobiographical writing, reading of first hand accounts or seeing films that deal with abuse may be helpful to clients.
Perceived Kindness – Encourage the client to develop alternative sources of nurturance and caring (see #1).
Validating both Love and Terror – Helping the client integrate both disassociated ’sides’ of the abuser, will assist her in giving up her dream that the relationship will become what she had hoped it would be.