If someone turns into an abuser- whether it be mental, physical, verbal, sexual, etc..
were they once abused by someone else at one point in time?
what makes a monster???
You think the ones who were abused would have compassion for those weaker not repeat the process…
What determines whether they continue it and also how do they justify it? and what determines if they stop and say " i won’t do this"?
I had 2 relationships where the guys I dated were both equally abusers to myself. They both had different causes to their illness. Abusers are thought to have an underlying psychological illness that develops later on as they get older. It really comes from depression that is the starting point of this behavior.
The first time I dated a guy it was my first relationship, a 4 year relationship. I should have known with the first guy let’s call him A, when he first threw me across the room into the closet that was a red flag and to get out, run. We were 2 months into the relationship. But I thought I was the cause to get thrown like that so I stayed. He was brought up with 2 sisters and a brother and a marriage. However, the father was extremely abusive to the kids and the mother. He said would never hit a woman. Well, he did, me he threw me across the room and that was the first time experiencing that for me. It was over the fact I was confronting him about finding out he was secretly having dinners and lunches with my best friend during his supposed work day. Her sister called me to tell me this was going on. He got angry with me and said nothing was going on between them. That’s when I got thrown. Any who, the abuse to me got worse. But I kept thinking it would get better he would change. I found later, when he would drink alcohol he was even more evil to me. Sometimes he would be gone for a couple of weeks not ever coming home when we lived together. His excuse, I would be upset if he told me he was going to be gone for 2 weeks. Well, if he had said so, I would have not been. I came home one night after work and he was asleep on the couch. I greeted him telling him good night. He got so angry I guess because I woke him up. He through me on the bed and took a pillow to smother my face with it telling me to be quiet. I Could not breathe at all. His force got worsened. So, I had to physically fight my way out of his grip and ran away. Any way it got really bad one day I thought my life was going to end by the violence. Eventually the law had to help keep him away from me. The problem was, I tried breaking up with him so many times before and asked him to leave my house for good. But he threatened my life every time. That is why I stayed so long to put up with it to save my life. Finally, found the right help from law enforcement who kept him away from me forever. My family and I were at peace and I could move on. I did not date for a good few years after that horrid experience.
The second relationship the guy was a bit different. He was verbally assaulting and had an alcohol problem. Later, I found out he secretly did crack which I had no idea. Everyone told me after awhile. He soon got abusive with me. He was dating 2 other girls one was 18 and the other one was from his work. I was not happy about that, but was handling it like an adult as we were engaged. I told him if he wants to marry me he can’t have it that way. If he doesn’t want it monomogous then he needs to leave and if he does he needs to cut those girls loose. He got angry and came at me threw my head down into the carpet. That was the first time he ever got violent towards me after 2 years of relationship. I kicked him out after that. He told everyone before that, he would never put a ring on my finger. He told me I needed to be on medication when I actually did not. His situation growing up, he did not have a father, he left the family leaving his mother to raise him. He was a Momma’s boy who took care of him even in adult hood. One of the things he did was abuse me during sex. I didin’t like it so I stopped having sex with him as he liked it that way. He would strangle me during it and would not stop when I told him too.
I would think that ones who were abused or neglected etc, would not want to repeat the cycle. Well, they grow up thinking they will not, but in reality they become their worst nightmare. They justify it by blaming their victims. I got blamed for their actions every time it happened. I was being punished for actions I did not do violently. One thing in common with these two guys was, they both had a substance abuse problem. The reason for that is, it acts like a drug in their brain. The first time with substance abuse, makes it more easier each time for them to engage in this behavior of violence. Their brains remembers it and it becomes psychologically programmed. Therefore, each time they use alcohol or a drug, it will take less of use to get this way. For instance, it would take guy A 6 drinks before he was violent. Then it went down to only 1 drink. Same for guy B in my experience. Substance abuse does help provoke their underlying behavior before it’s too late. Now, the way I see it and based on their history after doing background checks, this was not the first time they acted in violence towards someone. I was just the next victim.
Now, here’s something different. I was physically abused by my father growing up. He had a drinking problem too. That’s where it came from. Yet, how come I rose above it and grew up the sweetest lady to ever meet? I never grew up violent towards others or mean to others. How come when I have a drink I do not get mean? In fact I get silly when I do have the occasional drink? Maybe it is because my father actually got help and never rose a hand again towards me when I was 15. Yet, I still have those memories. Then again, they do not cause me to engage in behavior at all as those guys did. I do not even yell when I am upset at things. So see, some folks do rise above from their past and do not engage in that type of behavior, but how come some do? It must be something deeper in the genetics of illnesses that perhaps co-exist in the family line some where causing for some to act violently or other strange abusive behavior.
Now as far as what determines if they stop and I wont do this, my father is an example. He stopped by getting help. He never rose his hand again towards me. The verbal abuse is still there, but I’d rather that then a fist. It took the threat of social services who I called to wake him up.
As far as guy A and guy B who I dated, guy A did not do anything to get him help. Guy B tried to go through therapy and alcohol treatment that he agreed to go through, but he still acted the way he did towards me. It never helped him.
I believe what it comes down to is it’s up to the person them selves. They have to be the ones who want to get better and make the changes. NO one can do it for them. The ones that do not stop do not care about their mental health. They allow it because they won’t acknowledge that something is wrong with them. Those that do stop are the ones that sit down and say to them selves. Okay something is wrong here, I need help. And if they really care, they make it happen.
It’s a shame I had to go through this a few times in my life to leave me with scarred memories, but what matters to me is I rose above it and did not turn out like them. I was able to walk away from it all a better person. One more thing, those in an abusive relationship the first time, my Mother said it’s easier to get into a 2nd one after the 1st. She was right. I have not been in an abusive relationship ever since those 2.